A Vision of West Texas

I need nothingness. The sweet expanse of land and space and time all laid out before me.

West Texas.

If you've never been there, you don't know what nothingness is.

There's a sweet peace about driving when what's before, ahead and beside you is the same. All the same brown land with powerlines running alongside a highway you'll never see a cop on. Stores along the highway no one goes in.

You can drive for hours and never receive cell reception.

That's what I need: an escape. To experience nothingness is to feel everything. To delete the peripheral, if only for a drive. To erase the unessential.

Feels like most of our days that make up most of our lives is about the inconsequential. We spend our lives racking up triple-letter scores on words no one will read. We all commit to play a game where everyone loses, some just less than others.

How did it get like this?

I need nothingness. The sweet expanse of land and space and time all laid out before me.

West Texas.

About that time again

My apologies, folks (or maybe just folk?) for the delay. Haven't had a working computer in a few months, and there's no indication that is going to change anytime soon.

I find my relationships with people funny. It's scary how much they depend on where we are in our lives. How fast they can fall apart. Or come back to life.

Few I have are worth the trouble to keep them alive. Not in a depressing, whoa-is-me sorta way, but in a realistic this-is-the-world-we-live-in, realistic sorta way.

How many people come into our lives so quickly and become so important only to wash away a few days/weeks/months/years later. In the end, we're all just fleeting instances of paths crossing momentarily in the infinite realm of time.

People? Soon-to-be-decaying masses is more like it.

Time to go home and enjoy another bowl.

Home Sweet Home

Tonight I will go home and start packing. It will be close to 2 a.m. when I start. And probably about 5 by the time I'm done.

When you move as much as I do, you learn to live simply.

It will only take my a few hours to put almost everything I own in a few measly boxes. I think I like my things best when they're all stuffed in the back of my car.

In the past year I've had five different homes. And on Friday I will make it six.

In one year I've moved at least eight times - that I can remember. That's across four different cities in two states.

While I've never been homeless, I have been without a home.

The place I grew up in is like another world. I don't recognize it on the inside. Nor do I want to. Now it's just the place where my parents live, where I used to.

Sometimes the people that live there are like strangers to me. The walls are painted. The furniture is new. And so is the kitchen.

My mom asks why I never visit anymore. Maybe because there's nothing left for me. I've been in prisons that I'd sooner go back to.

When you know you're only living somewhere just enough time to get settled, you never get settled. That makes leaving easier. Like you were never really there to begin with.

And while I've never been homeless, I have been without a home for some time now.

Maybe that's why I feel so comfortable on the road. Cuz in the end, it's all just a journey. Wherever we are, we're always leaving somewhere or something behind for something new. Always leaving. Always arriving.

And the highway is the perfect representation of this. Cuz on the road, we're never stopped.

Always moving. Always leaving. Always arriving.

December

"It snowed today. December will be a better month."

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. Don't ask me why, for I could probably never accurately explain it.

But these simple words tell a story. I can hear them - how each word is said perfectly.

Hopeful, yet honest. Accurate, but misleading.

Something about these words strikes me in a way that I can first remember reading them many months ago.

And when I stumbled upon them again a few days ago, the honesty I felt when I first heard them rang even louder.

There's truth there. Somewhere etched into the seemingly simple words is a clear statement. An omission. A sigh and half-hearted smile.

"It snowed today. December will be a better month."

Update Shmupdate

Summer has been excellent. However, I've never been more ready for school to start. This might be the only time in my life I can remember wishing that summer was over.

And that's not to say that this has been a bad few months. Instead, they have been the opposite. I've had a blast this summer. Met a lot of cool people here in the city. Had a great internship. Slept a lot. I mean, like a whole lot. No complaints, truly.

I've just never been so geared up to get back into the grind, even though I know this means going to classes five days a week and working six. Plus there's finding a job for next summer.

But I can feel that this is going to be the best year of my life. What's changed is not so much what I will have to do, but how I live my life.

I am in the middle of a life reconstruction. I tore down myself only to rebuild me. My life is much different than it used to be. And while I'm not nearly done with this yet, I can feel the fruits of my work paying off.

This energizes me to continue this process, which I'm sure I will be able to do regardless of what's going on in my life this fall.

The reason why has to do with the person I've become and how I live now. My quarter-life crisis forced me to re-examine my priorities and what came out of that is nothing more than a life-transformation.

At this point, I'm babbling, and surely no one really cares this much about me. But I just want everyone to know that if you invest the time and energy you need to find yourself you life will turn out better.

I'm not saying I've found out who I am. But I am a better person (and happier) than I was at this point last year.

I care so much less about what I do for a living. I don't have much concern for how much money I make. I am not pressuring myself to get a stellar internship next summer. I am not afraid of fucking up. I have more friends that I truly care about. I have more people in my life that are important to me.

While I'm not back all the way, I'm on my way.

Progress happens so slowly and so unnoticeably that it can be disheartening at times. But I've felt the results of all this soul-searching lately. And let me tell you, it feels good.

Most importantly, I'm happy. Maybe happier than I've ever been. Ever.

And I know that I'm still thinking, still questioning, still looking.

I guess you could say I've learned the secret to life. You know that age-old question we ponder since birth? Well, I know it now.

And that's why this year is going to be the best of my life.

My apologies

Yeah, I know... it's been a while.

Sorry about all that. My computer died (the coroner ruled it a suicide) so the Internet thing has been a little iffy.

Updates (for whoever cares):

I'm halfway through my internship. All's going well. Minus firings, but hey what can you do. Such is the biz right now.

Been chilling up in Indy. Met some cool people lately. Starting to really get into this city.

Been playing a lot of guitar. Like a lot, seriously. Anywhere from 1-4 hours a day. Every day. I've never loved it so much, which feels nice to say. I'm realizing that making music, even if it goes nowhere past my bedroom, is the most calming and stabilizing thing I can do in my life. I love it. I hope I never stop making music.

Also, I've realized that who you are is more than just what you do. No one is defined by their job, title or salary. Each of us is complex beyond anyone's ability to understand. In fact, no one is defined by any one thing, at least not inside of themself.

In the past month or so I've been questioning who I am a lot. But not in a bad way. In a self-exploration sort of way. I want to keep this going. I never want to stop asking questions. I never want to be satisfied knowing enough about this crazy world we live in.

In some ways I'm just as lost as I ever was. I think the only thing that's changed is that I've accepted that I'm lost. Being lost only sucks when you want to know where you are. Once we accept that we may never know, life becomes a lot easier to deal with. Downright enjoyable, even.

I can't wait to get back down to B-town for the school year. August here I come! This is going to be the best year of my life. That might seem odd to say as I'm still trying to finish up year #20, but I feel like #21 is going to be one to remember.

I can just tell that this is going to be the best year of my life. And, no, I'm not just saying that. I believe it with all my soul. I'm not sure why, exactly, I think it will be. I just do. Odd, huh? I guess that while there's not a lot I can control, I can control a few things: First, I can work well make some progress in school. Second, I can spend a lot of times with people I care about. Third, I will do something for myself every day. Doing that, I don't think anything can throw me off my game this time.

A friend recently said that he's never been happier than he is right now. I thought about how I've been much happier previously in my life than the last few months. I guess my mindset is nothing more than a way to ensure year #21 will be the best.

At this point I'm rambling (per usual, I suppose). I feel like I have a lot more to day, I just don't know what that is right now.

I will try to post some song lyrics soon. I've written 4 (maybe 5sh) songs this summer I dig. I'll try to get them up once I get them looking semi-respectable.

Today's nugget of inspiration:
Anything worth doing is easier to say than do.
Anything worth having done is better to have done than said.

Until later, keep your chins up, kiddos. And be sure to drink plenty of milk.

Fuck rain

I can't remember the last time it rain that hard.

All I wanted to do was walk back to my dorm and relax. Maybe read a book. Maybe watch TV. Maybe nap.

But when I walked outside in my cargo shorts, white tee, sandals and ballcap I wasn't ready for the thunderstorm turning streets into rivers.

Dismayed and more than slightly pissed, I smoked my last cigarette before running across the street to seek shelter in a small sandwich shop.

It's a twenty-minute walk to my dorm on the other side of campus. The last thing I wanted to was arrive a walking mop. "Fuck rain" I said in my head over and over.

So, determined to wait out the storm, I ordered an Italian on wheat sub and read a few pages in my newest book.

All I wanted to do was be back in my dorm and relax. Some people I knew from work were making the trek anyway, but I was determined to wait it out.

Fifteen minutes later my resolve had diluted and I had given up hope of waiting it out. Defeated and deflated, I began the walk.

At first it was unbearable. The rain was cold and soaked me within the first few blocks. I was no longer angry. I had deteriorated into depressed.

Then something funny happened. The rain was no longer cold. I no longer cared about getting wet. There's comes a point when you're so drenched you can't get any wetter.

There comes a point when you stop asking why it's raining.

Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.

Much like anything else in life, there comes a point when you begin to accept the things that happen to you, whether it be rain, death or losing your best friend.

Eventually you stop hating it for what it is and accept it. Only then can you find the beauty in it.

I began to love the walk. I jumped in puddles and stared to the heavens as rain refreshingly splashed upon my face. I felt like a kid again, playing in my backyard. On the horizon I saw the sun peaking through the clouds. A promise of things to come.

It's easy to get down about the things that happen to you, like the rain ruining your evening. But when you accept it and embrace it, you can find happiness in even the worst of times.

And sometimes it's hard to look to the horizon when you hate everything around you. It's easy to stare at the ground and wish you were somewhere or someone else.

Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains. It's just harder to notice. Sometimes the greatest moment of hope comes in the most trying times for our souls.

It's easy to say that now, I know. Months after my life fell apart it's easy to look back and say that I should have looked to the horizon. Trust me, I know.

But life teaches us lessons every day, even many months after the fact. Embrace change, even when it destroys everything you used to love or had planned.

That walk was the best I've ever had once I stopped hating the rain. And only once I stop hating the things that brought me here will I love this walk too.

Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.