Saturday, December 26, 2009

Round and Round

Today is Christmas.

Each that passes gets a little more depressing. They're never as good as when you're a kid, when you think everything is perfect this time of year.

The older we get the more we realize life is messy and rarely perfect. In some ways I think everyone realizes and deals with that in their own way this time of year.

For me, this year is just one more I spend alone.

I hate when I see happy couples in the winter months. I shouldn't, but a small part of me hates them for having what I don't.

What makes this year more depressing is that I've been putting myself out there again, finally. Small signs of hope, but nothing worth mentioning. I just don't understand some people. It's hard to open up to someone when you feel like their feelings about you change daily.

I liken being single and being "out there" to being a hampster. You try to find someone, get to know them and whatnot, but in the end you end up in the same place: alone and confused.

Don't get me wrong, it's not depressing persay in the sense that it gets me down and sulky. I'm over that. I'm happy being alone. I'm happy with the person I am and strive to match that with the person I want to be. It makes me depressed when I genuinely like someone and feel like something real or meaningful might take place just to realize I'm still a hampster in a wheel that never goes anywhere.

Just round and round. Which makes it all the tougher to open yourself up to someone in a real way.

It seems so much of getting to know someone is a game. Most people find it hard to actually say how they feel. I'm tired of guessing about how someone feels about me. I'm tired of thinking that their feelings for me fluctuate on a daily basis. One week they can't wait to see me and the next they hardly acknowledge my existence.

Round and round.

I'm tired of the proverbial carrotstick that both tantalizes and taunts me. Even haunts me, sometimes.

Deep down in each of us we have an inate desire to both love and be loved. To hold and to be held. To keep our egos on the earth but to not let our spirits fall off cliffs.

There's a point when we all question if we'll ever find this. I'm not there anymore, although these questions often swirl in the back of my mind. I'm not looking for love. I know you can't find it until its ready to find you. I just want something real and someone who is also tired of playing games.

Not someone to fall in love with, just someone to free me from this wheel.