Monday, April 27, 2009

I love you

It's true.

I know I don't say it enough, but I do.

And just in case I don't live long enough to see the sun set tomorrow, just know that I love you.

I know I should say it to your face more often, and for that I'm sorry.

But just know that I've got our back. If you ever need anything I'm here for you.

I know I should say that to your face more often, but I'm saying it now.

And if I die in my sleep tonight, let this post remain for all of eternity.

Because I love you.

It's true.

I know I don't say it enough, but I do.

And just in case I don't live long enough to see the sun set tomorrow, just know that I love you.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Open up your Eagle Eyes

Life continually surprises me, even if it's not in the best of ways. Still, there's an odd satisfaction I get out of knowing that something could happen tomorrow that could change my life forever, good or bad.

It's freeing. To know that you can never really be in charge of your own life is to accept the things you can't control. It's about acceptance and enjoying the trip, wherever it takes you.

My life is only a fraction of what it used to be. And for all that's happened, I would never go back to the way it used to be. My life last semester feels like a movie. An out of body experience.

Sometimes I forget that I used to live with my significant other. That we had our own place. Thinking about it now feels like I'm replaying an old favorite film I haven't seen in a long time.

It seems like years ago, and in many ways it was. I've grown tenfold as a person and my outlook on life has change immensely, mostly for the better. I view the world through a different lens. I am starting to become the person I've always wanted to be. We must learn to be our own heroes.

My life is only a fraction of what it once was, but I'm okay with that. Learning to accept our pasts is one of the greatest gifts we can ever give ourselves.

So much about life is acceptance. I've been reading a few books on Zen lately and that's a fundamental belief in it. Zen teachers preach that we are not the past or the future, but simply the present. We must accept where we are right now and do our best to enjoy it and make it better. We can't spend our time analyzing the present and comparing it to the past. This only makes us waste the present, which evaporates continuously.

While I don't agree with all of the Zen philosophy, they're definitely on to something.

Many of my last few months I have spent wanting, praying and wishing things could have turned out differently. But the fact is they didn't. I'm lucky for the blessing Life wished upon me at such an early age. And to quote a great writer, indeed the excrement certainly hit the fan. But this I must simply accept.

My life is only a fraction of what it used to be, but change is the only constant in this world. It is truly the only thing that we can count on daily. Whether we accept this fact is up to us. And yes, my life is different in almost every regard from only five months ago.

Different friends. Different home. Different priorities. Different wants. Different needs. Different everything.

On the inside I'm different too. I see Life in a new way. I'm more appreciative of what I had and what I have right now. I more easily brush aside stress because I have a better idea of what's important.

I am starting to become the person I've always wanted to be, and that makes me happy.

And while my life is only a fraction of what it once was, I'm okay with that.

Learning to accept our pasts is one of the greatest gifts we can ever give ourselves.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Cream or sugar?

One day I will go for a walk and never come back. Never stop walking. Never turn around.

Just walk until my legs give out. Walk until the road ends. Walk until I've reached somewhere where no one can reach me. Someplace I'm completely alone. Where no one can give me any more bullshit.

I feel like my entire life is a house of cards made of jello. It's no wonder things always seem to fall down around me. I wonder when I will ever get my life back.

Question: can you call the police if you think someone stole your life?

You should. That has to be the worst crime someone can commit. Sad part is I don't know who stole it, or if I just kind of gave it away.

I feel like I'm a passive observer in my life. My life is a movie and I'm not even a main character. I'm only an extra in a sea of nobodies.

Do you ever get the feeling that if you were never born no one would miss you besides the people that brought you into this world? I do sometimes. Occasionally I feel the other way. Occasionally.

It's nights like these that make me think I may never stop smoking. I know people hate to hear that. But I know that if the rest of my life is like this I will never stop. Period.

I want go so somewhere I've never been. Just pack up and leave. Turn off my phone and not say goodbye. Just drive to a city where I can walk the streets and meet people who hate this world as much as I do. Where the slums are packed at night with other lost souls bumming cigarettes and sitting together because they have no one else. There's an odd satisfaction I get from people who seem as confused as I do.

Sometimes I feel like these lost souls are my brethren. My kindred spirits. I feel so unlike everyone I know. I want things they can't understand. I hate things they love. I want more than what others are satisfied with.

I want meaning. I want love. I want enlightenment. I want happiness. I want inspiration. I want Truth. But I can't find any of these things and it kills me. I want something more than just waking up and going through the motions. I can't do this for the rest of my life.

It's like most of the time I'm not actually alive. I'm one of those ghost-white zombies walking down an endless horizon of disappointments and roadblocks.

I don't feel important to anyone. No one really goes out of their way to see me. I feel like a burden to my friends. Like I bring them down.

I'm not going to burden anyone anymore. If people are fine letting friendships slip away, then so am I. Relationships don't survive on the back of one person, they fizzle. No one knows this better than I do.

I don't want any favors. No sympathy. No bullshit. I'm past the point of trying to avoid pain. Now I just seek the truth and a little genuine caring.

The one person I have ever thought truly loved me said she didn't want to see me right now. That it was too difficult. Too painful. Acting as if she was doing me a favor or some self-righteous bullshit like that. Apparently seeing someone twice in almost five months is just asking too much from them.

Sometimes I wonder if it's ever possible to really know someone. I wonder if two people can ever really be in love forever. Or is this just what people convince themselves into believing because the alternative is too painful.

But I guess that after you dedicate almost two years of your life to someone you don't deserve anything at all. Not even a face-to-face conversation. So much for always caring about someone. This is a fucked up world.

There's no real point to this post, in case you haven't figured it out yet. I just want a place to talk about my thoughts since it's just me tonight. The beauty about a blog is that it can never let you down.

"Don't need a friend, 'cuz my friend lonesome's unconditional."

These days my dreams seem more real than when I'm awake. My nights seem more clear than the day. And silence says more than words ever could.

My life is a movie and I'm not even a head writer. I'm an intern fetching coffee for those that tug on the strings, making me dance like a fool. Would you like donuts too? Cream or Sugar? Both? Ok, I can do that.

One day I will go for a walk and never come back. Never stop walking. Never turn around.

And when I do, I wonder who will follow after me and who will watch me walk away. Who will miss me and who won't know my name a month later. Who will notice. Who will care.

One day I will leave town and never look back, like Matt Damon's character in "Good Will Hunting." One day. You'll see. You'll see. I will go somewhere you couldn't find me even if you wanted to. Where you can't neglect me. Where I won't have to put up with all this crap. I'll go somewhere I can start fresh. A new life. Another chance to do things right. Another chance to find happiness and meaning in a world full of nothing.

You'll see.

One day you'll see.

It's nice out tonight. Maybe I'll go for a walk. I don't know where to. I'll find out when I get there.

Friday, April 10, 2009

What sustains you?

I saw world-class interviewer and journalist Terry Gross a few days ago. She said a lot of things that made me think, but one stood out. She made a reference to finding out what sustains people when she interviews them.

Interesting question.

What sustains you?

I've never put it in those terms before, but it makes you think. The toughest part of life, to me, is finding the answer to this question and striving to achieve it.

I like this phrasing better than asking what drives, inspires and motivates me because I feel it encompasses all of them.

To sustain anything it takes a plethora of ingredients. Many things go into sustaining something, such as a plant. The same is true of people. We all have things that allow us to continue on in this world as better, more whole people.

I guess for a lack of better wording, I'm going to call this sustaining me.

What sustains you?

To begin answering this question is to start a response that has no end. But that's how it should be. It contains everything we love to do. Everything we do for ourselves each day.

But it's more than this. It's about what sustains our soul. What makes us wake up every day. What makes us look forward to tomorrow. What makes us human.

Many things sustain me. Friends. Family. Music. Nature. To name just a few.

Too often I find myself content with the ruts and monotony of everyday life. Happy just to go to sleep each day knowing I've gotten through one more. But at the end of the day where does this put us?

One day closer to graduation? One day closer to the real world? One day closer to death?

It's a depressing way to put it, but sometimes that's the only way to make a point. So I'll ask again:

What sustains you?

I'm surprised to find that even the smallest of things gives importance to my life. Buying a book. Taking a walk. A good conversation. Sometimes what sustains us isn't the big things that we do but the small. Because lives are made up more by the continual occurrence of the small rather than the big, despite how glamorous and life-changing the big may be.

What sustains me?

I don't have the answer to this question, and I may never have it. But that's not the point, really. Just asking the right questions is enough. It's about training yourself to think of life in a certain way more than it is finding all the answers. Because you will never run out of questions no matter how many answers you find.

What sustains you?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Honesty and Cigarettes?

People are weird.

Maybe one day I'll get the hang of this whole 'human species' thing, but I'm not banking on it.

Why can't people just say what they mean? It's like everyone has to play games with everyone else. As if you told someone how you actually feel that would be the end of the goddamn universe. As if honesty is something to be feared rather than embraced.

Not sure where this is coming from or where it's headed, but it just seems like people I meet enjoy the games. Like there's something fun about keeping people guessing or firing blanks at their feet and watching them dance.

Wouldn't it be refreshing if we could just be honest with people and say what was on our minds? No more of the bullshit. The unwanted pleasantries. The wasteful small talk. The insincere smiles. The mere nods of acknowledgment.

Oh what a world that would be.

Don't get me wrong. I don't want pure honesty. I'm sure I don't even want to know what my best friends think of me sometimes. I'm not talking about being brutal, just not bullshitting anymore.

I hate bullshit. I can smell it miles away. And when people feed me lines of pure crap I just want to squeeze their heads until their innards pop out.

Or something like that.

At this point I'm rambling, but if you've made it this far you're probably used to it by now. And if you're not, I apologize, but you'll get used to it.

Keep on rocking in the free world.

I'm not sure where that came from.

Neil Young is pulsing through my ears. I can't believe it's taken me so long to realize how amazing he is. Probably the second-best song writer besides Dylan himself. That's the highest praise I can give. Period.

I smoked only three cigarettes today. OK, I know. It's still three. But when you've been smoking around 20+ a day for the last two months, three is a big deal.

It's hard to explain, but my body can tell when I haven't smoked in a long time. And by long time I mean like 10 hours. My mind craves it. And when I finally smoke...'s like heaven. Sad, but true.

Ahhhhhhh sweet serenity. It's like the entire world is alright again, if just for a few minutes. Smoking is one of the most relaxing things you can ever do. It's so easy to get used to having the first cigarette of the morning to wake yourself up and start your day. And there's something peacefully magical about the last cigarette. Just you in your pjs and sandals staring at the stars while the rest of the world sleeps.

And during the course of your day it's like a mini-vacation. A time where you can just go outside and stand by yourself, lost in your own thoughts.

I don't expect people to understand why I do it. But I can say that it is all mental. Cigs were there when I was at the lowest of the low. They became my friends, my support group in a weird way. I could always count on them, no matter what. And when you feel like everyone has abandoned you, you'll turn to anything for help.


Cigs were always there for me. They never left or wavered like so many people in my life. And they never questioned me. Never judged. They were just there to calm my nerves and tell me everything was alright.

I guy whose struggling to just make it through the end of the day gets used to that awfully quick. And in many ways I didn't realize it was happening until it was too late. You think you're in control until one day you wake up and you plan your day around when you can go to the gas station for another pack.

Today I was so desperate I smoked a Parliament. If this isn't the bottom I don't know what is.

And while I want to quit with 98% of my body, that last two percent is mighty stubborn and has been through a lot. That two percent is ready to give it up quite yet.

Sad, but true.

When you depend on something to get you through the bad times it's easy to fall back when you're having a bad day. Or a bad hour. Or a bad month. Or a bad year. And when you're doing good, it's nice to celebrate with something you enjoy.

Here are all the times I enjoy smoking: Right when I wake up. Right before class. After I eat breakfast while it's still becoming light outside. In a quiet spot where it's just me. Between classes. At high noon with the sun straight overhead. Right after lunch. On a break during work. On a clear night. While it storms. At a party. While I read the newspaper. As the sun sets. As I sit in the park. When it's really cold and I'm in sandals. When it's the middle of the night. While I study. While I play sports. While I walk to class. After a big meal. Before a big test. Anytime I feel happy, stressed, sad, lonely, curious, concerned, disillusioned, tired, peaceful...

You get the picture.

And people ask why I still smoke.

Oh if you only knew. If you only knew.

Okay so I'll end this now. If for no other reason than because I'm finally feeling tired. Once again I apologize if you've struggled all the way through this. I'll buy you a cookie the next time I see you, or something like that.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

*Insert appropriate title here*

"You've got to know right now these words still sting. I've lost everything I've ever touched."
-Landmines and Landslides, by Less Than Jake

Time makes things easier, but that doesn't mean time makes things easy.

Story of my life.

There is no real point to this post, I just feel like I need to write something right now before I go to sleep.

"Said 'Goodbye' to my best friend. Sometimes there's no one left to tell me the truth."
-The Rest of my Life, by Less Than Jake

This has been a good weekend. One of the best I can remember in a long time, and that makes me happy. It was awesome, despite the fact that one of my best friends isn't talking to me. The reason it was so great had less to do with what I did than with who I did it with.

Good friends are hard to find. And when they come into your life you feel blessed and you should. Maybe that's what makes this so hard. I'm having that oh too familiar feeling of having someone close to me slip away. It's scary and reminds me of times I do my best to not think about.

I'm still not sure what I'm getting at, but I'm not ready to go to bed quite yet.

So I'll guess I will keep rambling for a few more lines or so.

Writing is such a release. I will do my best to make a post each night before I go to sleep. Not that anyone reads this typo-ridden garbage anyway. But I don't care. I write for me. It's my time to me. Sometimes it's the only part of my day that feels right no matter what.

"I don't need a girl, don't need a friend 'cuz my friend Lonesome's unconditional. We're flying, forever bored."
-Open Road Son, by Eve 6

Just a few more weeks left of school. I will miss Bloomington dearly. But I'm ready for a change of pace. New scenery. New experiences. New memories. A fresh beginning. A clean slate.

All of the above.

I'm ready to see what else life has in store for me beyond Bloomington and school. I'm ready for something new, good or bad. I just want something I've never experiences before. Something with no connection to my past. Something to expand my horizons and challenge my perception of who I am.

"I will not go down under the ground because somebody tells me that death's coming round. And I will not carry myself down to die. When I go to my grave my head will be high. Let me die, in my footsteps, before I go down under the ground."
-Let Me Die in My Footsteps, by Bob Dylan

I went to Lamb Lake today. Simply amazing. I loved the people and I loved the setting. Something about nature's inherent beauty that can just put you at peace. That's how I felt in the mountains of west Texas, and that's how I felt today drifting on the lake. That's a feeling I know I will never tire of. It's too amazing to ever be saturated with.

It's tough times that really makes you appreciate the simple things around you that have so much beauty. Like a soft sunset. Or an undisturbed lake. Or a quiet sky. Or a never-ending horizon.

I do my best to remind myself every day about life's simple and majestic nature that surrounds me every second.

Almost ready to go to sleep, but not there yet.

So insert more rambling here.

Wait. You're still reading? You, my friend, need to pick up a hobby or two rather than wasting your time on my 5 a.m. sleep-deprived blog posts. Sorry, but it's true.

God bless the people I have in my life. If you're reading this (and even if you're not), God bless you. I love you. You mean more to me than you will ever know. You are amazing. Thank you.

I know I should say this to your face more often, but I love you.

I do. It's true. Thanks for everything you've ever done for me. I only hope that I can be as good a friend to you than you have been to me.

Okay, so I guess it's about that time. My eyelids are getting droopy and I think that's my clue. My roommate must hate this thing that makes a soft pitter-patter every night around this time.

But like I said, I love you. Just thought that was worth reiterating.

"If you won't forgive me the rest of my life, let me apologize while I'm still alive. I know it's time to face all of my past mistakes. It's going to kill me for the rest of my life."
-The Rest of my Life, by Less Than Jake

Good night, my friends. May tomorrow be even half as good as today or yesterday was.

Friday, April 3, 2009


Sometimes you don't realize how big events in your life have shaped you until months later. What happened has changed me in ways I'm still discovering. The sad part is that you think you're doing okay. You don't really realize how different you are until someone points it out.

Tonight one of my good friends made me realize how different I am in my relationships with people.

For more than four months I've been thinking and expecting the worst from people. I didn't really know I was doing until someone called me out for not having faith in them. At first I didn't know what they were talking about. I was confused.

Then I said something that made it all become clear. They were just asking or me to believe in them and trust them to make the right decisions. That they wouldn't fuck up. I said that people say that a lot, implying that there was no reason to believe them.

And within a few minutes I realized how messed up I've become. I always think the worst of people. In my mind I doubt the things they tell me, and I doubt their sincerity in every syllable.

I didn't realize I was doing this. I mean, I know I've been really pessimistic, but I didn't know to what extent. The sad part is that this is happening with even my best friends. I do this to even the people I've been counting to get me through this. They deserve better. I just wish I could give it to them.

How do you trust people when the one person you trusted a million times more than any other betrayed you in the worst way? When the person you opened yourself up to the most and made yourself completely vulnerable hurts you in the worst way, how can do anything but think the worst in people you know a fraction of the other person?

When you make yourself that vulnerable you just assume they will never hurt you. And when they do, it's tough to believe anything else other people say, no matter how many times they ask you to just have faith in them.

That's not fair for anyone else, but it's really hard for me to trust people and their intentions after everything I've been through. I know this doesn't make it right, but I'm still dealing with the repercussions of what happened.

It's not that I don't have faith in you. It's that I can't. I dont' trust anyone. No one. I just can't. The one person I trusted more than everyone else combined let me down. And that didn't just hurt our relationship, it hurt my relationships with everyone around me. It damaged how I view the world and how I see people. It destroyed my ability to trust people absolutely.

I don't want to be the kind of person who sees the worst in people. I hate that I've been assuming the worst and doubting people's sincerity. This isn't me. I can - and will - change.

How do you trust people when the one person you trusted a million times more than any other betrayed you in the worst way?

I wish I knew the answer to this. But my friends deserve better, and I'm going to do my best to give it to them.

All I ask is for a little patience and understanding. I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. And what happened has changed me in ways I'm sure I'll be discovering for years. But I value our friendship, and I hope you give me the room to fuck up from time to time. I know I will. But I promise to do my best, unfortunately sometimes that isn''t good enough

I value our friendship more than just about any other I have. And I can't take losing another friend right now.

All I ask is for a little patience and understanding.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Who am I?

Do you ever ask yourself who you are?

I do. Every day. More often usually. I never really have an answer for this, but if I do it varies every time.

It's scary to not know who you are. It's terrifying when the person you thought you were for so long doesn't exist. Because then you have to come to terms with the fact that you're starting from scratch.

I feel like I'm the only one who feels lost sometimes. It's impossible to explain, so I never really try. The thoughts just keep swirling around in my head and creep their way into the quietest and loneliest of my day. It's like I'm constantly searching and I'm never satisfied with what I find. So I keep searching. Constantly looking for what? I don't know. I don't even know if I'll know when I come across it. But I know I don't have it now and it has to be somewhere.

Do you ever ask yourself who you are?

I do. Every day. I never find answers I like.

But I have discovered things I'm not. I know the type of person I don't want to be and the type of life I don't want to live.

That will have to do for now.