Summer has been excellent. However, I've never been more ready for school to start. This might be the only time in my life I can remember wishing that summer was over.
And that's not to say that this has been a bad few months. Instead, they have been the opposite. I've had a blast this summer. Met a lot of cool people here in the city. Had a great internship. Slept a lot. I mean, like a whole lot. No complaints, truly.
I've just never been so geared up to get back into the grind, even though I know this means going to classes five days a week and working six. Plus there's finding a job for next summer.
But I can feel that this is going to be the best year of my life. What's changed is not so much what I will have to do, but how I live my life.
I am in the middle of a life reconstruction. I tore down myself only to rebuild me. My life is much different than it used to be. And while I'm not nearly done with this yet, I can feel the fruits of my work paying off.
This energizes me to continue this process, which I'm sure I will be able to do regardless of what's going on in my life this fall.
The reason why has to do with the person I've become and how I live now. My quarter-life crisis forced me to re-examine my priorities and what came out of that is nothing more than a life-transformation.
At this point, I'm babbling, and surely no one really cares this much about me. But I just want everyone to know that if you invest the time and energy you need to find yourself you life will turn out better.
I'm not saying I've found out who I am. But I am a better person (and happier) than I was at this point last year.
I care so much less about what I do for a living. I don't have much concern for how much money I make. I am not pressuring myself to get a stellar internship next summer. I am not afraid of fucking up. I have more friends that I truly care about. I have more people in my life that are important to me.
While I'm not back all the way, I'm on my way.
Progress happens so slowly and so unnoticeably that it can be disheartening at times. But I've felt the results of all this soul-searching lately. And let me tell you, it feels good.
Most importantly, I'm happy. Maybe happier than I've ever been. Ever.
And I know that I'm still thinking, still questioning, still looking.
I guess you could say I've learned the secret to life. You know that age-old question we ponder since birth? Well, I know it now.
And that's why this year is going to be the best of my life.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
My apologies
Yeah, I know... it's been a while.
Sorry about all that. My computer died (the coroner ruled it a suicide) so the Internet thing has been a little iffy.
Updates (for whoever cares):
I'm halfway through my internship. All's going well. Minus firings, but hey what can you do. Such is the biz right now.
Been chilling up in Indy. Met some cool people lately. Starting to really get into this city.
Been playing a lot of guitar. Like a lot, seriously. Anywhere from 1-4 hours a day. Every day. I've never loved it so much, which feels nice to say. I'm realizing that making music, even if it goes nowhere past my bedroom, is the most calming and stabilizing thing I can do in my life. I love it. I hope I never stop making music.
Also, I've realized that who you are is more than just what you do. No one is defined by their job, title or salary. Each of us is complex beyond anyone's ability to understand. In fact, no one is defined by any one thing, at least not inside of themself.
In the past month or so I've been questioning who I am a lot. But not in a bad way. In a self-exploration sort of way. I want to keep this going. I never want to stop asking questions. I never want to be satisfied knowing enough about this crazy world we live in.
In some ways I'm just as lost as I ever was. I think the only thing that's changed is that I've accepted that I'm lost. Being lost only sucks when you want to know where you are. Once we accept that we may never know, life becomes a lot easier to deal with. Downright enjoyable, even.
I can't wait to get back down to B-town for the school year. August here I come! This is going to be the best year of my life. That might seem odd to say as I'm still trying to finish up year #20, but I feel like #21 is going to be one to remember.
I can just tell that this is going to be the best year of my life. And, no, I'm not just saying that. I believe it with all my soul. I'm not sure why, exactly, I think it will be. I just do. Odd, huh? I guess that while there's not a lot I can control, I can control a few things: First, I can work well make some progress in school. Second, I can spend a lot of times with people I care about. Third, I will do something for myself every day. Doing that, I don't think anything can throw me off my game this time.
A friend recently said that he's never been happier than he is right now. I thought about how I've been much happier previously in my life than the last few months. I guess my mindset is nothing more than a way to ensure year #21 will be the best.
At this point I'm rambling (per usual, I suppose). I feel like I have a lot more to day, I just don't know what that is right now.
I will try to post some song lyrics soon. I've written 4 (maybe 5sh) songs this summer I dig. I'll try to get them up once I get them looking semi-respectable.
Today's nugget of inspiration:
Anything worth doing is easier to say than do.
Anything worth having done is better to have done than said.
Until later, keep your chins up, kiddos. And be sure to drink plenty of milk.
Sorry about all that. My computer died (the coroner ruled it a suicide) so the Internet thing has been a little iffy.
Updates (for whoever cares):
I'm halfway through my internship. All's going well. Minus firings, but hey what can you do. Such is the biz right now.
Been chilling up in Indy. Met some cool people lately. Starting to really get into this city.
Been playing a lot of guitar. Like a lot, seriously. Anywhere from 1-4 hours a day. Every day. I've never loved it so much, which feels nice to say. I'm realizing that making music, even if it goes nowhere past my bedroom, is the most calming and stabilizing thing I can do in my life. I love it. I hope I never stop making music.
Also, I've realized that who you are is more than just what you do. No one is defined by their job, title or salary. Each of us is complex beyond anyone's ability to understand. In fact, no one is defined by any one thing, at least not inside of themself.
In the past month or so I've been questioning who I am a lot. But not in a bad way. In a self-exploration sort of way. I want to keep this going. I never want to stop asking questions. I never want to be satisfied knowing enough about this crazy world we live in.
In some ways I'm just as lost as I ever was. I think the only thing that's changed is that I've accepted that I'm lost. Being lost only sucks when you want to know where you are. Once we accept that we may never know, life becomes a lot easier to deal with. Downright enjoyable, even.
I can't wait to get back down to B-town for the school year. August here I come! This is going to be the best year of my life. That might seem odd to say as I'm still trying to finish up year #20, but I feel like #21 is going to be one to remember.
I can just tell that this is going to be the best year of my life. And, no, I'm not just saying that. I believe it with all my soul. I'm not sure why, exactly, I think it will be. I just do. Odd, huh? I guess that while there's not a lot I can control, I can control a few things: First, I can work well make some progress in school. Second, I can spend a lot of times with people I care about. Third, I will do something for myself every day. Doing that, I don't think anything can throw me off my game this time.
A friend recently said that he's never been happier than he is right now. I thought about how I've been much happier previously in my life than the last few months. I guess my mindset is nothing more than a way to ensure year #21 will be the best.
At this point I'm rambling (per usual, I suppose). I feel like I have a lot more to day, I just don't know what that is right now.
I will try to post some song lyrics soon. I've written 4 (maybe 5sh) songs this summer I dig. I'll try to get them up once I get them looking semi-respectable.
Today's nugget of inspiration:
Anything worth doing is easier to say than do.
Anything worth having done is better to have done than said.
Until later, keep your chins up, kiddos. And be sure to drink plenty of milk.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Fuck rain
I can't remember the last time it rain that hard.
All I wanted to do was walk back to my dorm and relax. Maybe read a book. Maybe watch TV. Maybe nap.
But when I walked outside in my cargo shorts, white tee, sandals and ballcap I wasn't ready for the thunderstorm turning streets into rivers.
Dismayed and more than slightly pissed, I smoked my last cigarette before running across the street to seek shelter in a small sandwich shop.
It's a twenty-minute walk to my dorm on the other side of campus. The last thing I wanted to was arrive a walking mop. "Fuck rain" I said in my head over and over.
So, determined to wait out the storm, I ordered an Italian on wheat sub and read a few pages in my newest book.
All I wanted to do was be back in my dorm and relax. Some people I knew from work were making the trek anyway, but I was determined to wait it out.
Fifteen minutes later my resolve had diluted and I had given up hope of waiting it out. Defeated and deflated, I began the walk.
At first it was unbearable. The rain was cold and soaked me within the first few blocks. I was no longer angry. I had deteriorated into depressed.
Then something funny happened. The rain was no longer cold. I no longer cared about getting wet. There's comes a point when you're so drenched you can't get any wetter.
There comes a point when you stop asking why it's raining.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.
Much like anything else in life, there comes a point when you begin to accept the things that happen to you, whether it be rain, death or losing your best friend.
Eventually you stop hating it for what it is and accept it. Only then can you find the beauty in it.
I began to love the walk. I jumped in puddles and stared to the heavens as rain refreshingly splashed upon my face. I felt like a kid again, playing in my backyard. On the horizon I saw the sun peaking through the clouds. A promise of things to come.
It's easy to get down about the things that happen to you, like the rain ruining your evening. But when you accept it and embrace it, you can find happiness in even the worst of times.
And sometimes it's hard to look to the horizon when you hate everything around you. It's easy to stare at the ground and wish you were somewhere or someone else.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains. It's just harder to notice. Sometimes the greatest moment of hope comes in the most trying times for our souls.
It's easy to say that now, I know. Months after my life fell apart it's easy to look back and say that I should have looked to the horizon. Trust me, I know.
But life teaches us lessons every day, even many months after the fact. Embrace change, even when it destroys everything you used to love or had planned.
That walk was the best I've ever had once I stopped hating the rain. And only once I stop hating the things that brought me here will I love this walk too.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.
All I wanted to do was walk back to my dorm and relax. Maybe read a book. Maybe watch TV. Maybe nap.
But when I walked outside in my cargo shorts, white tee, sandals and ballcap I wasn't ready for the thunderstorm turning streets into rivers.
Dismayed and more than slightly pissed, I smoked my last cigarette before running across the street to seek shelter in a small sandwich shop.
It's a twenty-minute walk to my dorm on the other side of campus. The last thing I wanted to was arrive a walking mop. "Fuck rain" I said in my head over and over.
So, determined to wait out the storm, I ordered an Italian on wheat sub and read a few pages in my newest book.
All I wanted to do was be back in my dorm and relax. Some people I knew from work were making the trek anyway, but I was determined to wait it out.
Fifteen minutes later my resolve had diluted and I had given up hope of waiting it out. Defeated and deflated, I began the walk.
At first it was unbearable. The rain was cold and soaked me within the first few blocks. I was no longer angry. I had deteriorated into depressed.
Then something funny happened. The rain was no longer cold. I no longer cared about getting wet. There's comes a point when you're so drenched you can't get any wetter.
There comes a point when you stop asking why it's raining.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.
Much like anything else in life, there comes a point when you begin to accept the things that happen to you, whether it be rain, death or losing your best friend.
Eventually you stop hating it for what it is and accept it. Only then can you find the beauty in it.
I began to love the walk. I jumped in puddles and stared to the heavens as rain refreshingly splashed upon my face. I felt like a kid again, playing in my backyard. On the horizon I saw the sun peaking through the clouds. A promise of things to come.
It's easy to get down about the things that happen to you, like the rain ruining your evening. But when you accept it and embrace it, you can find happiness in even the worst of times.
And sometimes it's hard to look to the horizon when you hate everything around you. It's easy to stare at the ground and wish you were somewhere or someone else.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains. It's just harder to notice. Sometimes the greatest moment of hope comes in the most trying times for our souls.
It's easy to say that now, I know. Months after my life fell apart it's easy to look back and say that I should have looked to the horizon. Trust me, I know.
But life teaches us lessons every day, even many months after the fact. Embrace change, even when it destroys everything you used to love or had planned.
That walk was the best I've ever had once I stopped hating the rain. And only once I stop hating the things that brought me here will I love this walk too.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Nothing
Note: This was originally written on December 21, 2008 at 6:13 p.m. Like the four posts below this one, I wrote it on Facebook. I recently found them again on my profile. I'm reprinting them here because I'm deleting them off the 'book. Some things are just too personal to let everyone know. It's not fair to the people involved to keep them up there anymore. But I'll keep them here as a record and memory of what I was going through what now feels like an eternity ago.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever.
This is a scary thought. So scary that most people don't want to recognize its truth. Rather than grapple with it's consequences, they live their life in the dark, unwilling to change.
But fate will not let you avoid this truth. One day life will slap you in the face. It's like a wake-up call: the second you realize that the world doesn't owe you anything, including what you've already got.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing.
Everything is subject to change. I used to live my life thinking that it was like a photo in a frame, but life is more like a movie. But a movie before TiVo and DVRs. Movies that cannot be stopped, or fast-forwarded. Movies that play in real time.
And you may not like what's going on in the movie, but there's nothing you can do about it. You might like the scene a few minutes ago, but right now you're watching this one. So you just have to sit back and enjoy, or at least do your best to enjoy, the scene you're in right now.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing.
This doesn't have to be scary, though. It is just as empowering as anything else. Why? Because the inverse of nothing being guaranteed is that nothing is NOT guaranteed. In other words, nothing is off limits. Every day you wake up can bring new opportunities and chances that you never saw coming. Every day can be the day you are reborn or that changes the lense through which you view life.
This is another way of saying that anything's possible, but that's one of those cliche sayings I hate.
Every day you wake up will bring you something you didn't expect. You can either hide from this, fearing the unknown, or you can embrace it and look it in the eyes - ready to take on whatever life throws your way, both good and bad.
So much of life is learning to love the process, the journey, because the destination is never guaranteed. You may dream of a family and kids, but you can't count on it. You may dream of falling in love and living your life with that person, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Life cares little about your plans and aspirations, so you have to learn to love the present, more than you do the future.
Today is the day to seize life. Carpe Diem, or whatever you want to call it. Don't wait until tomorrow. Don't wait until it's too late to see all the beauty, passion and joy around you every day. One day life will call everyone's number, and what will matter isn't the grades you got, the number of parties you went to, or the money you made. One day we will all die, and we will realize how precious every second is. The question whether you will be satisfied with how you lived whenever that day comes.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is off limits.
We can either ignore this fact and live in ignorance, or we can let it be the freedom that removes us from the monotony of everyday life.
Ignorance is bliss, but freedom is truth.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever.
This is a scary thought. So scary that most people don't want to recognize its truth. Rather than grapple with it's consequences, they live their life in the dark, unwilling to change.
But fate will not let you avoid this truth. One day life will slap you in the face. It's like a wake-up call: the second you realize that the world doesn't owe you anything, including what you've already got.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing.
Everything is subject to change. I used to live my life thinking that it was like a photo in a frame, but life is more like a movie. But a movie before TiVo and DVRs. Movies that cannot be stopped, or fast-forwarded. Movies that play in real time.
And you may not like what's going on in the movie, but there's nothing you can do about it. You might like the scene a few minutes ago, but right now you're watching this one. So you just have to sit back and enjoy, or at least do your best to enjoy, the scene you're in right now.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing.
This doesn't have to be scary, though. It is just as empowering as anything else. Why? Because the inverse of nothing being guaranteed is that nothing is NOT guaranteed. In other words, nothing is off limits. Every day you wake up can bring new opportunities and chances that you never saw coming. Every day can be the day you are reborn or that changes the lense through which you view life.
This is another way of saying that anything's possible, but that's one of those cliche sayings I hate.
Every day you wake up will bring you something you didn't expect. You can either hide from this, fearing the unknown, or you can embrace it and look it in the eyes - ready to take on whatever life throws your way, both good and bad.
So much of life is learning to love the process, the journey, because the destination is never guaranteed. You may dream of a family and kids, but you can't count on it. You may dream of falling in love and living your life with that person, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Life cares little about your plans and aspirations, so you have to learn to love the present, more than you do the future.
Today is the day to seize life. Carpe Diem, or whatever you want to call it. Don't wait until tomorrow. Don't wait until it's too late to see all the beauty, passion and joy around you every day. One day life will call everyone's number, and what will matter isn't the grades you got, the number of parties you went to, or the money you made. One day we will all die, and we will realize how precious every second is. The question whether you will be satisfied with how you lived whenever that day comes.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is off limits.
We can either ignore this fact and live in ignorance, or we can let it be the freedom that removes us from the monotony of everyday life.
Ignorance is bliss, but freedom is truth.
It's the little things, stupid
This was originally written on December 10, 2008 at 2:51 a.m. on Facebook.
A smart man once wrote that "sometimes you reach the end and you can’t just go back and start loving the little things."
It's the little things, stupid, that make life so meaningful. A nice pure snow. A cold chill running down your spine. Christmas lights at night. Long walks with no destination in mind. Eating 3-hour lunches just to hang with your friends.
And it's the little details, the quirks, the idiosyncrasies that make you fall in love. The way that one person looked at you. Held your hand. Made you laugh.
The way she could tell what you were thinking before even you could. The way everything just seemed so perfect. How she managed to say whatever you needed to hear.
You can't count on anything forever. It's a sad thought, but it's true. So you've got to learn to love the journey as much as the destination, because sometimes you can never go back and relive the journey and some times you won't make it to your destination.
It's the little things, stupid, that make life worth living. The sunrise. Singing in the rain. Leaves changing color. Making a stranger laugh.
That's all life is really: a collection of little split-second memories and opportunities that all add up to an hour.
A day. A week. A year. A life.
Every one of those boil down to a second. And in every second there is a chance to love the little things all around you.
It's like a wise man once said: Sometimes you reach the end and you can't just go back and start loving the little things.
So don't wait until it's too late to enjoy the little things. Because before you're ready, it may all be gone. It's a sad thought, but it's true.
It's the little things, stupid.
A smart man once wrote that "sometimes you reach the end and you can’t just go back and start loving the little things."
It's the little things, stupid, that make life so meaningful. A nice pure snow. A cold chill running down your spine. Christmas lights at night. Long walks with no destination in mind. Eating 3-hour lunches just to hang with your friends.
And it's the little details, the quirks, the idiosyncrasies that make you fall in love. The way that one person looked at you. Held your hand. Made you laugh.
The way she could tell what you were thinking before even you could. The way everything just seemed so perfect. How she managed to say whatever you needed to hear.
You can't count on anything forever. It's a sad thought, but it's true. So you've got to learn to love the journey as much as the destination, because sometimes you can never go back and relive the journey and some times you won't make it to your destination.
It's the little things, stupid, that make life worth living. The sunrise. Singing in the rain. Leaves changing color. Making a stranger laugh.
That's all life is really: a collection of little split-second memories and opportunities that all add up to an hour.
A day. A week. A year. A life.
Every one of those boil down to a second. And in every second there is a chance to love the little things all around you.
It's like a wise man once said: Sometimes you reach the end and you can't just go back and start loving the little things.
So don't wait until it's too late to enjoy the little things. Because before you're ready, it may all be gone. It's a sad thought, but it's true.
It's the little things, stupid.
Happiness is a Warm Gun
This was originally written on December 1, 2008 at 12:43 a.m. on Facebook.
I was talking to a friend earlier and we began talking about life and happiness.
We're both going through hard times right now, and sometimes it makes you wonder if you'll ever know true happiness again.
Not I just found 5 dollars in my jeans happy, but the kind of joy where everything feels right all the time. It's like the world is in perfect harmony.
And then the next second, you can't tell which way is up. It's like you have to stop and tell yourself to breathe, or else you might suffocate.
The thought of never being able to attain that perfect happiness is the scariest thought in the world. It fills your mind until it's the only thing you can think about. You can't do anything without thinking about what you're missing.
And all the while you just want that one person who made you happy. The one person who could put a smile on your face no matter what.
And all you want is that feeling of perfect happiness. It's a high no drugs can recreate. It's like you're flying over the world. Complete invincibility and vulnerability.
That's love, happiness, or whatever you want to call it.
And when it's taken away from you, it's like you're living life in slow motion. And it makes you wonder if you can ever be truly happy again, or if you'll just have to settle for finding 5 dollars in your pocket.
I was talking to a friend earlier and we began talking about life and happiness.
We're both going through hard times right now, and sometimes it makes you wonder if you'll ever know true happiness again.
Not I just found 5 dollars in my jeans happy, but the kind of joy where everything feels right all the time. It's like the world is in perfect harmony.
And then the next second, you can't tell which way is up. It's like you have to stop and tell yourself to breathe, or else you might suffocate.
The thought of never being able to attain that perfect happiness is the scariest thought in the world. It fills your mind until it's the only thing you can think about. You can't do anything without thinking about what you're missing.
And all the while you just want that one person who made you happy. The one person who could put a smile on your face no matter what.
And all you want is that feeling of perfect happiness. It's a high no drugs can recreate. It's like you're flying over the world. Complete invincibility and vulnerability.
That's love, happiness, or whatever you want to call it.
And when it's taken away from you, it's like you're living life in slow motion. And it makes you wonder if you can ever be truly happy again, or if you'll just have to settle for finding 5 dollars in your pocket.
Foundations
This was originally written on November 26, 2008 at 4:12 a.m. on Facebook.
When you base your life - your existence - on one thing it becomes the pillar of everything you do. That one thing defines you and what you stand for.
The only way I know how to describe it involves a house...
...and like any house, it's built on a foundation. This foundation holds everything up. The walls, the furniture, the floors, the roof. Everything is built on that foundation - that belief - whatever it may be.
And you can handle rebuilding a wall, or retiling the floors because it's just one small feature of the house, which is otherwise strong and sturdy. So repainting the bathroom is alright, so long as the foundation is strong.
But when the foundation breaks down, what happens to the rest of the house?
When the one thing you hold more sincerely and concretely than anything else in your life fails, you have to re-evaluate everything else. When the one thing you've been depending on while you've been putting in a new stove cracks, the solidity of everything built on it must be questioned as well. No matter how nice the house may look on the outside, if the foundation is ruined that house will eventually crumble.
So everything that was ever based on this Truth has to be questioned. You are standing in the house and now it seems like it could fall over at any moment, maybe from the smallest push in any direction. It's a scary thought: that the one thing you held as a Truth in your life is gone, everything else based on it seems less legitimate.
You look down and you see nothing to hold up the rest of the house and the rest of what you've built, and so you know that at any given moment everything else around you can fall apart too. And it shatters your world to know that foundation has ruined everything, but there's nothing you can do.
Everything around you seems like a lie too.
So whether or not you like it, you have to re-examine and question every detail of the house to find out what else is true and what else is just going to break.
It's not until you break down the house piece by piece that you can start to rebuild it once again, except this time on a new, stronger foundation.
Starting to rebuild is a scary process, and it can seem intimidating. But it's also a fresh start. A new beginning. A new house.
When you base your life - your existence - on one thing it becomes the pillar of everything you do. That one thing defines you and what you stand for.
The only way I know how to describe it involves a house...
...and like any house, it's built on a foundation. This foundation holds everything up. The walls, the furniture, the floors, the roof. Everything is built on that foundation - that belief - whatever it may be.
And you can handle rebuilding a wall, or retiling the floors because it's just one small feature of the house, which is otherwise strong and sturdy. So repainting the bathroom is alright, so long as the foundation is strong.
But when the foundation breaks down, what happens to the rest of the house?
When the one thing you hold more sincerely and concretely than anything else in your life fails, you have to re-evaluate everything else. When the one thing you've been depending on while you've been putting in a new stove cracks, the solidity of everything built on it must be questioned as well. No matter how nice the house may look on the outside, if the foundation is ruined that house will eventually crumble.
So everything that was ever based on this Truth has to be questioned. You are standing in the house and now it seems like it could fall over at any moment, maybe from the smallest push in any direction. It's a scary thought: that the one thing you held as a Truth in your life is gone, everything else based on it seems less legitimate.
You look down and you see nothing to hold up the rest of the house and the rest of what you've built, and so you know that at any given moment everything else around you can fall apart too. And it shatters your world to know that foundation has ruined everything, but there's nothing you can do.
Everything around you seems like a lie too.
So whether or not you like it, you have to re-examine and question every detail of the house to find out what else is true and what else is just going to break.
It's not until you break down the house piece by piece that you can start to rebuild it once again, except this time on a new, stronger foundation.
Starting to rebuild is a scary process, and it can seem intimidating. But it's also a fresh start. A new beginning. A new house.
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