Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Hard to do

Thank God I'm finally out of southern Indiana. Just in time, I say. Just in time.

I'm excited to start this summer - a new chapter in my life.

When I find myself getting depressed, lonely or bored the best thing I can do is something I've never done before. New place. New people. New everything.

This week is a new chapter in my life. One that takes me to Columbia, Missouri and then to Indianapolis and finally back to Bloomington.

It's been a long time since I truly dedicated myself to school. I'm looking forward to putting all of my energy into becoming the best copy editor and intern I can. I've been afforded a great opportunity and many doors for my career have been opened.

Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time just makes them easier to live with. Time makes you accept them as part of you life. But it doesn't heal them.

Sometimes, when you least expect it they come back, fresh as ever. And this time they hurt in different ways. The pain is different.

It's less raw, more realization. Less anger, more perspective. Less visceral, more emotional.

Save some face. You know you've only got one.

I want my best friend back. I don't think that's too much to ask.

I want to feel whole again. I want to feel like myself. I want to wake up and not feel something missing from my life.

Zen Buddhists train themselves to only live in the moment. To release the past and put aside the future. Easy to say; Hard to do.

"Only love can break your heart." -Neil Young

For now I guess I will try to do as the Buddhists. Try to live and let go. Try and be in the present. Easy to say; Hard to do.

The words aren't coming easy tonight. They say that when you're having trouble saying what you mean it's because you don't know what you mean. That sounds about right.

I've got so much to say that I can't say anything. That's it for now, I guess. I'll try to have something more coherent tomorrow.

"Let me die on this Earth before I die underground." -RAZ

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