One day I will be gone.
By then it will be too late.
You might never see me again. That's not a threat, more like a warning.
We don't operate our lives on the same rules. This is neither good nor bad - simply an observation.
What you want from life is not the same as what I want. The rules you play by and the rules I play by are different.
What keeps me up at the end of the night is much different than what you think about. What I want, need and desire is different, too.
You can only carry around the expectations of others so long. At some point we must all strike a path completely ours - undiluted by outside forces.
The decisions I make in my life will undoubtedly confuse you. That's ok. They're supposed to. I make them for me. I hope, too, that your decisions confuse other people, for your sake.
We are not meant to live according to what we think everyone expects from us. We are not meant to be the sum of all that surrounds us. We deserve better from ourselves.
I can only play by your rules so much longer before I abandon them for my own. Soon my time here will be done. And the days I've got left need to be lived on my terms, not yours.
And when it does happen, just remember that I gave you fair warning.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Oh, Canada
The only part as satisfying as first leaving on a long trip is first returning.
A week ago I had never been out of the country. Now I feel like Montreal is where I will end up one day, if only indefintely.
There's not really any way I can explain how I feel during a good road trip. So I won't try.
People love to ask why I went. Not sure why I need a reason. Road trips are always less about where you go than where you go along the way. Put another way, it's the journey not the destination.
It's also about accepting that you have no idea what will happen. About freeing yourself from certainity and letting the trip unfold as it does and just learning to accept and love every second.
The uncertainity doesn't confine you, it frees you.
Enables you to write off the shitty things that happen. Allows you to be surprised, good or bad.
These days, being surprised is more than most of us can ask for. When most of our days are for-gone conclusions we write off before they start, not knowing where you'll sleep at the end of the night or what city you'll be in is a freeing feeling indeed.
It's a nice reminder of what's out there. What's possible. What's not.
It's nice to turn your cellphone off for a week without hesitation. To put on your favorite cd and yell out your window for hours. To see sites you've never seen and meet people you couldn't have predicted.
Every road trip I ever go on teaches me something about myself. Too early to know what this one means, but New Year's Eve 2010 is one I'll never forget.
And in a world when too many of our days are hardly memorable, that's enough for me.
Happy New Year's. Or as they say in Canada, Happy New Year's.
A week ago I had never been out of the country. Now I feel like Montreal is where I will end up one day, if only indefintely.
There's not really any way I can explain how I feel during a good road trip. So I won't try.
People love to ask why I went. Not sure why I need a reason. Road trips are always less about where you go than where you go along the way. Put another way, it's the journey not the destination.
It's also about accepting that you have no idea what will happen. About freeing yourself from certainity and letting the trip unfold as it does and just learning to accept and love every second.
The uncertainity doesn't confine you, it frees you.
Enables you to write off the shitty things that happen. Allows you to be surprised, good or bad.
These days, being surprised is more than most of us can ask for. When most of our days are for-gone conclusions we write off before they start, not knowing where you'll sleep at the end of the night or what city you'll be in is a freeing feeling indeed.
It's a nice reminder of what's out there. What's possible. What's not.
It's nice to turn your cellphone off for a week without hesitation. To put on your favorite cd and yell out your window for hours. To see sites you've never seen and meet people you couldn't have predicted.
Every road trip I ever go on teaches me something about myself. Too early to know what this one means, but New Year's Eve 2010 is one I'll never forget.
And in a world when too many of our days are hardly memorable, that's enough for me.
Happy New Year's. Or as they say in Canada, Happy New Year's.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Round and Round
Today is Christmas.
Each that passes gets a little more depressing. They're never as good as when you're a kid, when you think everything is perfect this time of year.
The older we get the more we realize life is messy and rarely perfect. In some ways I think everyone realizes and deals with that in their own way this time of year.
For me, this year is just one more I spend alone.
I hate when I see happy couples in the winter months. I shouldn't, but a small part of me hates them for having what I don't.
What makes this year more depressing is that I've been putting myself out there again, finally. Small signs of hope, but nothing worth mentioning. I just don't understand some people. It's hard to open up to someone when you feel like their feelings about you change daily.
I liken being single and being "out there" to being a hampster. You try to find someone, get to know them and whatnot, but in the end you end up in the same place: alone and confused.
Don't get me wrong, it's not depressing persay in the sense that it gets me down and sulky. I'm over that. I'm happy being alone. I'm happy with the person I am and strive to match that with the person I want to be. It makes me depressed when I genuinely like someone and feel like something real or meaningful might take place just to realize I'm still a hampster in a wheel that never goes anywhere.
Just round and round. Which makes it all the tougher to open yourself up to someone in a real way.
It seems so much of getting to know someone is a game. Most people find it hard to actually say how they feel. I'm tired of guessing about how someone feels about me. I'm tired of thinking that their feelings for me fluctuate on a daily basis. One week they can't wait to see me and the next they hardly acknowledge my existence.
Round and round.
I'm tired of the proverbial carrotstick that both tantalizes and taunts me. Even haunts me, sometimes.
Deep down in each of us we have an inate desire to both love and be loved. To hold and to be held. To keep our egos on the earth but to not let our spirits fall off cliffs.
There's a point when we all question if we'll ever find this. I'm not there anymore, although these questions often swirl in the back of my mind. I'm not looking for love. I know you can't find it until its ready to find you. I just want something real and someone who is also tired of playing games.
Not someone to fall in love with, just someone to free me from this wheel.
Each that passes gets a little more depressing. They're never as good as when you're a kid, when you think everything is perfect this time of year.
The older we get the more we realize life is messy and rarely perfect. In some ways I think everyone realizes and deals with that in their own way this time of year.
For me, this year is just one more I spend alone.
I hate when I see happy couples in the winter months. I shouldn't, but a small part of me hates them for having what I don't.
What makes this year more depressing is that I've been putting myself out there again, finally. Small signs of hope, but nothing worth mentioning. I just don't understand some people. It's hard to open up to someone when you feel like their feelings about you change daily.
I liken being single and being "out there" to being a hampster. You try to find someone, get to know them and whatnot, but in the end you end up in the same place: alone and confused.
Don't get me wrong, it's not depressing persay in the sense that it gets me down and sulky. I'm over that. I'm happy being alone. I'm happy with the person I am and strive to match that with the person I want to be. It makes me depressed when I genuinely like someone and feel like something real or meaningful might take place just to realize I'm still a hampster in a wheel that never goes anywhere.
Just round and round. Which makes it all the tougher to open yourself up to someone in a real way.
It seems so much of getting to know someone is a game. Most people find it hard to actually say how they feel. I'm tired of guessing about how someone feels about me. I'm tired of thinking that their feelings for me fluctuate on a daily basis. One week they can't wait to see me and the next they hardly acknowledge my existence.
Round and round.
I'm tired of the proverbial carrotstick that both tantalizes and taunts me. Even haunts me, sometimes.
Deep down in each of us we have an inate desire to both love and be loved. To hold and to be held. To keep our egos on the earth but to not let our spirits fall off cliffs.
There's a point when we all question if we'll ever find this. I'm not there anymore, although these questions often swirl in the back of my mind. I'm not looking for love. I know you can't find it until its ready to find you. I just want something real and someone who is also tired of playing games.
Not someone to fall in love with, just someone to free me from this wheel.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Hey, it's me again
Hey You,
I know we haven't talked in ages, but I guess I've been thinking about you lately.
It's odd to say that because I haven't in a while really, I guess. The past few months we've almost accepted that we're both okay with where we are.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. People grow. Sometimes apart, even. I accepted this a long time ago.
But maybe sometimes people grow apart and sometimes they let themselves drift apart.
Anyway, there's no point to this, really. Just thought I'd throw a distant line into the language of 1s and 2s out here in cyberspace.
So like I said, I've been thinking about you again.
But this time it's been different. Not like before when it was always a little sad. Now it's just... curiousity. It's been forever, it seems.
I've changed a lot, and so have you, too, I'm sure.
I thought maybe the new you and the new me could meet, since the old you and the old me were such a big part of each other's lives.
But if not it's okay, these letters will just vanish into the sea of useless web posts.
Maybe that's where this letter belongs anyway...
Sincerely,
Ben
I know we haven't talked in ages, but I guess I've been thinking about you lately.
It's odd to say that because I haven't in a while really, I guess. The past few months we've almost accepted that we're both okay with where we are.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. People grow. Sometimes apart, even. I accepted this a long time ago.
But maybe sometimes people grow apart and sometimes they let themselves drift apart.
Anyway, there's no point to this, really. Just thought I'd throw a distant line into the language of 1s and 2s out here in cyberspace.
So like I said, I've been thinking about you again.
But this time it's been different. Not like before when it was always a little sad. Now it's just... curiousity. It's been forever, it seems.
I've changed a lot, and so have you, too, I'm sure.
I thought maybe the new you and the new me could meet, since the old you and the old me were such a big part of each other's lives.
But if not it's okay, these letters will just vanish into the sea of useless web posts.
Maybe that's where this letter belongs anyway...
Sincerely,
Ben
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
A Vision of West Texas
I need nothingness. The sweet expanse of land and space and time all laid out before me.
West Texas.
If you've never been there, you don't know what nothingness is.
There's a sweet peace about driving when what's before, ahead and beside you is the same. All the same brown land with powerlines running alongside a highway you'll never see a cop on. Stores along the highway no one goes in.
You can drive for hours and never receive cell reception.
That's what I need: an escape. To experience nothingness is to feel everything. To delete the peripheral, if only for a drive. To erase the unessential.
Feels like most of our days that make up most of our lives is about the inconsequential. We spend our lives racking up triple-letter scores on words no one will read. We all commit to play a game where everyone loses, some just less than others.
How did it get like this?
I need nothingness. The sweet expanse of land and space and time all laid out before me.
West Texas.
West Texas.
If you've never been there, you don't know what nothingness is.
There's a sweet peace about driving when what's before, ahead and beside you is the same. All the same brown land with powerlines running alongside a highway you'll never see a cop on. Stores along the highway no one goes in.
You can drive for hours and never receive cell reception.
That's what I need: an escape. To experience nothingness is to feel everything. To delete the peripheral, if only for a drive. To erase the unessential.
Feels like most of our days that make up most of our lives is about the inconsequential. We spend our lives racking up triple-letter scores on words no one will read. We all commit to play a game where everyone loses, some just less than others.
How did it get like this?
I need nothingness. The sweet expanse of land and space and time all laid out before me.
West Texas.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
About that time again
My apologies, folks (or maybe just folk?) for the delay. Haven't had a working computer in a few months, and there's no indication that is going to change anytime soon.
I find my relationships with people funny. It's scary how much they depend on where we are in our lives. How fast they can fall apart. Or come back to life.
Few I have are worth the trouble to keep them alive. Not in a depressing, whoa-is-me sorta way, but in a realistic this-is-the-world-we-live-in, realistic sorta way.
How many people come into our lives so quickly and become so important only to wash away a few days/weeks/months/years later. In the end, we're all just fleeting instances of paths crossing momentarily in the infinite realm of time.
People? Soon-to-be-decaying masses is more like it.
Time to go home and enjoy another bowl.
I find my relationships with people funny. It's scary how much they depend on where we are in our lives. How fast they can fall apart. Or come back to life.
Few I have are worth the trouble to keep them alive. Not in a depressing, whoa-is-me sorta way, but in a realistic this-is-the-world-we-live-in, realistic sorta way.
How many people come into our lives so quickly and become so important only to wash away a few days/weeks/months/years later. In the end, we're all just fleeting instances of paths crossing momentarily in the infinite realm of time.
People? Soon-to-be-decaying masses is more like it.
Time to go home and enjoy another bowl.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Home Sweet Home
Tonight I will go home and start packing. It will be close to 2 a.m. when I start. And probably about 5 by the time I'm done.
When you move as much as I do, you learn to live simply.
It will only take my a few hours to put almost everything I own in a few measly boxes. I think I like my things best when they're all stuffed in the back of my car.
In the past year I've had five different homes. And on Friday I will make it six.
In one year I've moved at least eight times - that I can remember. That's across four different cities in two states.
While I've never been homeless, I have been without a home.
The place I grew up in is like another world. I don't recognize it on the inside. Nor do I want to. Now it's just the place where my parents live, where I used to.
Sometimes the people that live there are like strangers to me. The walls are painted. The furniture is new. And so is the kitchen.
My mom asks why I never visit anymore. Maybe because there's nothing left for me. I've been in prisons that I'd sooner go back to.
When you know you're only living somewhere just enough time to get settled, you never get settled. That makes leaving easier. Like you were never really there to begin with.
And while I've never been homeless, I have been without a home for some time now.
Maybe that's why I feel so comfortable on the road. Cuz in the end, it's all just a journey. Wherever we are, we're always leaving somewhere or something behind for something new. Always leaving. Always arriving.
And the highway is the perfect representation of this. Cuz on the road, we're never stopped.
Always moving. Always leaving. Always arriving.
When you move as much as I do, you learn to live simply.
It will only take my a few hours to put almost everything I own in a few measly boxes. I think I like my things best when they're all stuffed in the back of my car.
In the past year I've had five different homes. And on Friday I will make it six.
In one year I've moved at least eight times - that I can remember. That's across four different cities in two states.
While I've never been homeless, I have been without a home.
The place I grew up in is like another world. I don't recognize it on the inside. Nor do I want to. Now it's just the place where my parents live, where I used to.
Sometimes the people that live there are like strangers to me. The walls are painted. The furniture is new. And so is the kitchen.
My mom asks why I never visit anymore. Maybe because there's nothing left for me. I've been in prisons that I'd sooner go back to.
When you know you're only living somewhere just enough time to get settled, you never get settled. That makes leaving easier. Like you were never really there to begin with.
And while I've never been homeless, I have been without a home for some time now.
Maybe that's why I feel so comfortable on the road. Cuz in the end, it's all just a journey. Wherever we are, we're always leaving somewhere or something behind for something new. Always leaving. Always arriving.
And the highway is the perfect representation of this. Cuz on the road, we're never stopped.
Always moving. Always leaving. Always arriving.
Monday, August 3, 2009
December
"It snowed today. December will be a better month."
This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. Don't ask me why, for I could probably never accurately explain it.
But these simple words tell a story. I can hear them - how each word is said perfectly.
Hopeful, yet honest. Accurate, but misleading.
Something about these words strikes me in a way that I can first remember reading them many months ago.
And when I stumbled upon them again a few days ago, the honesty I felt when I first heard them rang even louder.
There's truth there. Somewhere etched into the seemingly simple words is a clear statement. An omission. A sigh and half-hearted smile.
"It snowed today. December will be a better month."
This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. Don't ask me why, for I could probably never accurately explain it.
But these simple words tell a story. I can hear them - how each word is said perfectly.
Hopeful, yet honest. Accurate, but misleading.
Something about these words strikes me in a way that I can first remember reading them many months ago.
And when I stumbled upon them again a few days ago, the honesty I felt when I first heard them rang even louder.
There's truth there. Somewhere etched into the seemingly simple words is a clear statement. An omission. A sigh and half-hearted smile.
"It snowed today. December will be a better month."
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Update Shmupdate
Summer has been excellent. However, I've never been more ready for school to start. This might be the only time in my life I can remember wishing that summer was over.
And that's not to say that this has been a bad few months. Instead, they have been the opposite. I've had a blast this summer. Met a lot of cool people here in the city. Had a great internship. Slept a lot. I mean, like a whole lot. No complaints, truly.
I've just never been so geared up to get back into the grind, even though I know this means going to classes five days a week and working six. Plus there's finding a job for next summer.
But I can feel that this is going to be the best year of my life. What's changed is not so much what I will have to do, but how I live my life.
I am in the middle of a life reconstruction. I tore down myself only to rebuild me. My life is much different than it used to be. And while I'm not nearly done with this yet, I can feel the fruits of my work paying off.
This energizes me to continue this process, which I'm sure I will be able to do regardless of what's going on in my life this fall.
The reason why has to do with the person I've become and how I live now. My quarter-life crisis forced me to re-examine my priorities and what came out of that is nothing more than a life-transformation.
At this point, I'm babbling, and surely no one really cares this much about me. But I just want everyone to know that if you invest the time and energy you need to find yourself you life will turn out better.
I'm not saying I've found out who I am. But I am a better person (and happier) than I was at this point last year.
I care so much less about what I do for a living. I don't have much concern for how much money I make. I am not pressuring myself to get a stellar internship next summer. I am not afraid of fucking up. I have more friends that I truly care about. I have more people in my life that are important to me.
While I'm not back all the way, I'm on my way.
Progress happens so slowly and so unnoticeably that it can be disheartening at times. But I've felt the results of all this soul-searching lately. And let me tell you, it feels good.
Most importantly, I'm happy. Maybe happier than I've ever been. Ever.
And I know that I'm still thinking, still questioning, still looking.
I guess you could say I've learned the secret to life. You know that age-old question we ponder since birth? Well, I know it now.
And that's why this year is going to be the best of my life.
And that's not to say that this has been a bad few months. Instead, they have been the opposite. I've had a blast this summer. Met a lot of cool people here in the city. Had a great internship. Slept a lot. I mean, like a whole lot. No complaints, truly.
I've just never been so geared up to get back into the grind, even though I know this means going to classes five days a week and working six. Plus there's finding a job for next summer.
But I can feel that this is going to be the best year of my life. What's changed is not so much what I will have to do, but how I live my life.
I am in the middle of a life reconstruction. I tore down myself only to rebuild me. My life is much different than it used to be. And while I'm not nearly done with this yet, I can feel the fruits of my work paying off.
This energizes me to continue this process, which I'm sure I will be able to do regardless of what's going on in my life this fall.
The reason why has to do with the person I've become and how I live now. My quarter-life crisis forced me to re-examine my priorities and what came out of that is nothing more than a life-transformation.
At this point, I'm babbling, and surely no one really cares this much about me. But I just want everyone to know that if you invest the time and energy you need to find yourself you life will turn out better.
I'm not saying I've found out who I am. But I am a better person (and happier) than I was at this point last year.
I care so much less about what I do for a living. I don't have much concern for how much money I make. I am not pressuring myself to get a stellar internship next summer. I am not afraid of fucking up. I have more friends that I truly care about. I have more people in my life that are important to me.
While I'm not back all the way, I'm on my way.
Progress happens so slowly and so unnoticeably that it can be disheartening at times. But I've felt the results of all this soul-searching lately. And let me tell you, it feels good.
Most importantly, I'm happy. Maybe happier than I've ever been. Ever.
And I know that I'm still thinking, still questioning, still looking.
I guess you could say I've learned the secret to life. You know that age-old question we ponder since birth? Well, I know it now.
And that's why this year is going to be the best of my life.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
My apologies
Yeah, I know... it's been a while.
Sorry about all that. My computer died (the coroner ruled it a suicide) so the Internet thing has been a little iffy.
Updates (for whoever cares):
I'm halfway through my internship. All's going well. Minus firings, but hey what can you do. Such is the biz right now.
Been chilling up in Indy. Met some cool people lately. Starting to really get into this city.
Been playing a lot of guitar. Like a lot, seriously. Anywhere from 1-4 hours a day. Every day. I've never loved it so much, which feels nice to say. I'm realizing that making music, even if it goes nowhere past my bedroom, is the most calming and stabilizing thing I can do in my life. I love it. I hope I never stop making music.
Also, I've realized that who you are is more than just what you do. No one is defined by their job, title or salary. Each of us is complex beyond anyone's ability to understand. In fact, no one is defined by any one thing, at least not inside of themself.
In the past month or so I've been questioning who I am a lot. But not in a bad way. In a self-exploration sort of way. I want to keep this going. I never want to stop asking questions. I never want to be satisfied knowing enough about this crazy world we live in.
In some ways I'm just as lost as I ever was. I think the only thing that's changed is that I've accepted that I'm lost. Being lost only sucks when you want to know where you are. Once we accept that we may never know, life becomes a lot easier to deal with. Downright enjoyable, even.
I can't wait to get back down to B-town for the school year. August here I come! This is going to be the best year of my life. That might seem odd to say as I'm still trying to finish up year #20, but I feel like #21 is going to be one to remember.
I can just tell that this is going to be the best year of my life. And, no, I'm not just saying that. I believe it with all my soul. I'm not sure why, exactly, I think it will be. I just do. Odd, huh? I guess that while there's not a lot I can control, I can control a few things: First, I can work well make some progress in school. Second, I can spend a lot of times with people I care about. Third, I will do something for myself every day. Doing that, I don't think anything can throw me off my game this time.
A friend recently said that he's never been happier than he is right now. I thought about how I've been much happier previously in my life than the last few months. I guess my mindset is nothing more than a way to ensure year #21 will be the best.
At this point I'm rambling (per usual, I suppose). I feel like I have a lot more to day, I just don't know what that is right now.
I will try to post some song lyrics soon. I've written 4 (maybe 5sh) songs this summer I dig. I'll try to get them up once I get them looking semi-respectable.
Today's nugget of inspiration:
Anything worth doing is easier to say than do.
Anything worth having done is better to have done than said.
Until later, keep your chins up, kiddos. And be sure to drink plenty of milk.
Sorry about all that. My computer died (the coroner ruled it a suicide) so the Internet thing has been a little iffy.
Updates (for whoever cares):
I'm halfway through my internship. All's going well. Minus firings, but hey what can you do. Such is the biz right now.
Been chilling up in Indy. Met some cool people lately. Starting to really get into this city.
Been playing a lot of guitar. Like a lot, seriously. Anywhere from 1-4 hours a day. Every day. I've never loved it so much, which feels nice to say. I'm realizing that making music, even if it goes nowhere past my bedroom, is the most calming and stabilizing thing I can do in my life. I love it. I hope I never stop making music.
Also, I've realized that who you are is more than just what you do. No one is defined by their job, title or salary. Each of us is complex beyond anyone's ability to understand. In fact, no one is defined by any one thing, at least not inside of themself.
In the past month or so I've been questioning who I am a lot. But not in a bad way. In a self-exploration sort of way. I want to keep this going. I never want to stop asking questions. I never want to be satisfied knowing enough about this crazy world we live in.
In some ways I'm just as lost as I ever was. I think the only thing that's changed is that I've accepted that I'm lost. Being lost only sucks when you want to know where you are. Once we accept that we may never know, life becomes a lot easier to deal with. Downright enjoyable, even.
I can't wait to get back down to B-town for the school year. August here I come! This is going to be the best year of my life. That might seem odd to say as I'm still trying to finish up year #20, but I feel like #21 is going to be one to remember.
I can just tell that this is going to be the best year of my life. And, no, I'm not just saying that. I believe it with all my soul. I'm not sure why, exactly, I think it will be. I just do. Odd, huh? I guess that while there's not a lot I can control, I can control a few things: First, I can work well make some progress in school. Second, I can spend a lot of times with people I care about. Third, I will do something for myself every day. Doing that, I don't think anything can throw me off my game this time.
A friend recently said that he's never been happier than he is right now. I thought about how I've been much happier previously in my life than the last few months. I guess my mindset is nothing more than a way to ensure year #21 will be the best.
At this point I'm rambling (per usual, I suppose). I feel like I have a lot more to day, I just don't know what that is right now.
I will try to post some song lyrics soon. I've written 4 (maybe 5sh) songs this summer I dig. I'll try to get them up once I get them looking semi-respectable.
Today's nugget of inspiration:
Anything worth doing is easier to say than do.
Anything worth having done is better to have done than said.
Until later, keep your chins up, kiddos. And be sure to drink plenty of milk.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Fuck rain
I can't remember the last time it rain that hard.
All I wanted to do was walk back to my dorm and relax. Maybe read a book. Maybe watch TV. Maybe nap.
But when I walked outside in my cargo shorts, white tee, sandals and ballcap I wasn't ready for the thunderstorm turning streets into rivers.
Dismayed and more than slightly pissed, I smoked my last cigarette before running across the street to seek shelter in a small sandwich shop.
It's a twenty-minute walk to my dorm on the other side of campus. The last thing I wanted to was arrive a walking mop. "Fuck rain" I said in my head over and over.
So, determined to wait out the storm, I ordered an Italian on wheat sub and read a few pages in my newest book.
All I wanted to do was be back in my dorm and relax. Some people I knew from work were making the trek anyway, but I was determined to wait it out.
Fifteen minutes later my resolve had diluted and I had given up hope of waiting it out. Defeated and deflated, I began the walk.
At first it was unbearable. The rain was cold and soaked me within the first few blocks. I was no longer angry. I had deteriorated into depressed.
Then something funny happened. The rain was no longer cold. I no longer cared about getting wet. There's comes a point when you're so drenched you can't get any wetter.
There comes a point when you stop asking why it's raining.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.
Much like anything else in life, there comes a point when you begin to accept the things that happen to you, whether it be rain, death or losing your best friend.
Eventually you stop hating it for what it is and accept it. Only then can you find the beauty in it.
I began to love the walk. I jumped in puddles and stared to the heavens as rain refreshingly splashed upon my face. I felt like a kid again, playing in my backyard. On the horizon I saw the sun peaking through the clouds. A promise of things to come.
It's easy to get down about the things that happen to you, like the rain ruining your evening. But when you accept it and embrace it, you can find happiness in even the worst of times.
And sometimes it's hard to look to the horizon when you hate everything around you. It's easy to stare at the ground and wish you were somewhere or someone else.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains. It's just harder to notice. Sometimes the greatest moment of hope comes in the most trying times for our souls.
It's easy to say that now, I know. Months after my life fell apart it's easy to look back and say that I should have looked to the horizon. Trust me, I know.
But life teaches us lessons every day, even many months after the fact. Embrace change, even when it destroys everything you used to love or had planned.
That walk was the best I've ever had once I stopped hating the rain. And only once I stop hating the things that brought me here will I love this walk too.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.
All I wanted to do was walk back to my dorm and relax. Maybe read a book. Maybe watch TV. Maybe nap.
But when I walked outside in my cargo shorts, white tee, sandals and ballcap I wasn't ready for the thunderstorm turning streets into rivers.
Dismayed and more than slightly pissed, I smoked my last cigarette before running across the street to seek shelter in a small sandwich shop.
It's a twenty-minute walk to my dorm on the other side of campus. The last thing I wanted to was arrive a walking mop. "Fuck rain" I said in my head over and over.
So, determined to wait out the storm, I ordered an Italian on wheat sub and read a few pages in my newest book.
All I wanted to do was be back in my dorm and relax. Some people I knew from work were making the trek anyway, but I was determined to wait it out.
Fifteen minutes later my resolve had diluted and I had given up hope of waiting it out. Defeated and deflated, I began the walk.
At first it was unbearable. The rain was cold and soaked me within the first few blocks. I was no longer angry. I had deteriorated into depressed.
Then something funny happened. The rain was no longer cold. I no longer cared about getting wet. There's comes a point when you're so drenched you can't get any wetter.
There comes a point when you stop asking why it's raining.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.
Much like anything else in life, there comes a point when you begin to accept the things that happen to you, whether it be rain, death or losing your best friend.
Eventually you stop hating it for what it is and accept it. Only then can you find the beauty in it.
I began to love the walk. I jumped in puddles and stared to the heavens as rain refreshingly splashed upon my face. I felt like a kid again, playing in my backyard. On the horizon I saw the sun peaking through the clouds. A promise of things to come.
It's easy to get down about the things that happen to you, like the rain ruining your evening. But when you accept it and embrace it, you can find happiness in even the worst of times.
And sometimes it's hard to look to the horizon when you hate everything around you. It's easy to stare at the ground and wish you were somewhere or someone else.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains. It's just harder to notice. Sometimes the greatest moment of hope comes in the most trying times for our souls.
It's easy to say that now, I know. Months after my life fell apart it's easy to look back and say that I should have looked to the horizon. Trust me, I know.
But life teaches us lessons every day, even many months after the fact. Embrace change, even when it destroys everything you used to love or had planned.
That walk was the best I've ever had once I stopped hating the rain. And only once I stop hating the things that brought me here will I love this walk too.
Sometimes the sun shines brightest when it rains.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Nothing
Note: This was originally written on December 21, 2008 at 6:13 p.m. Like the four posts below this one, I wrote it on Facebook. I recently found them again on my profile. I'm reprinting them here because I'm deleting them off the 'book. Some things are just too personal to let everyone know. It's not fair to the people involved to keep them up there anymore. But I'll keep them here as a record and memory of what I was going through what now feels like an eternity ago.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever.
This is a scary thought. So scary that most people don't want to recognize its truth. Rather than grapple with it's consequences, they live their life in the dark, unwilling to change.
But fate will not let you avoid this truth. One day life will slap you in the face. It's like a wake-up call: the second you realize that the world doesn't owe you anything, including what you've already got.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing.
Everything is subject to change. I used to live my life thinking that it was like a photo in a frame, but life is more like a movie. But a movie before TiVo and DVRs. Movies that cannot be stopped, or fast-forwarded. Movies that play in real time.
And you may not like what's going on in the movie, but there's nothing you can do about it. You might like the scene a few minutes ago, but right now you're watching this one. So you just have to sit back and enjoy, or at least do your best to enjoy, the scene you're in right now.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing.
This doesn't have to be scary, though. It is just as empowering as anything else. Why? Because the inverse of nothing being guaranteed is that nothing is NOT guaranteed. In other words, nothing is off limits. Every day you wake up can bring new opportunities and chances that you never saw coming. Every day can be the day you are reborn or that changes the lense through which you view life.
This is another way of saying that anything's possible, but that's one of those cliche sayings I hate.
Every day you wake up will bring you something you didn't expect. You can either hide from this, fearing the unknown, or you can embrace it and look it in the eyes - ready to take on whatever life throws your way, both good and bad.
So much of life is learning to love the process, the journey, because the destination is never guaranteed. You may dream of a family and kids, but you can't count on it. You may dream of falling in love and living your life with that person, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Life cares little about your plans and aspirations, so you have to learn to love the present, more than you do the future.
Today is the day to seize life. Carpe Diem, or whatever you want to call it. Don't wait until tomorrow. Don't wait until it's too late to see all the beauty, passion and joy around you every day. One day life will call everyone's number, and what will matter isn't the grades you got, the number of parties you went to, or the money you made. One day we will all die, and we will realize how precious every second is. The question whether you will be satisfied with how you lived whenever that day comes.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is off limits.
We can either ignore this fact and live in ignorance, or we can let it be the freedom that removes us from the monotony of everyday life.
Ignorance is bliss, but freedom is truth.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever.
This is a scary thought. So scary that most people don't want to recognize its truth. Rather than grapple with it's consequences, they live their life in the dark, unwilling to change.
But fate will not let you avoid this truth. One day life will slap you in the face. It's like a wake-up call: the second you realize that the world doesn't owe you anything, including what you've already got.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing.
Everything is subject to change. I used to live my life thinking that it was like a photo in a frame, but life is more like a movie. But a movie before TiVo and DVRs. Movies that cannot be stopped, or fast-forwarded. Movies that play in real time.
And you may not like what's going on in the movie, but there's nothing you can do about it. You might like the scene a few minutes ago, but right now you're watching this one. So you just have to sit back and enjoy, or at least do your best to enjoy, the scene you're in right now.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing.
This doesn't have to be scary, though. It is just as empowering as anything else. Why? Because the inverse of nothing being guaranteed is that nothing is NOT guaranteed. In other words, nothing is off limits. Every day you wake up can bring new opportunities and chances that you never saw coming. Every day can be the day you are reborn or that changes the lense through which you view life.
This is another way of saying that anything's possible, but that's one of those cliche sayings I hate.
Every day you wake up will bring you something you didn't expect. You can either hide from this, fearing the unknown, or you can embrace it and look it in the eyes - ready to take on whatever life throws your way, both good and bad.
So much of life is learning to love the process, the journey, because the destination is never guaranteed. You may dream of a family and kids, but you can't count on it. You may dream of falling in love and living your life with that person, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen. Life cares little about your plans and aspirations, so you have to learn to love the present, more than you do the future.
Today is the day to seize life. Carpe Diem, or whatever you want to call it. Don't wait until tomorrow. Don't wait until it's too late to see all the beauty, passion and joy around you every day. One day life will call everyone's number, and what will matter isn't the grades you got, the number of parties you went to, or the money you made. One day we will all die, and we will realize how precious every second is. The question whether you will be satisfied with how you lived whenever that day comes.
Nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is off limits.
We can either ignore this fact and live in ignorance, or we can let it be the freedom that removes us from the monotony of everyday life.
Ignorance is bliss, but freedom is truth.
It's the little things, stupid
This was originally written on December 10, 2008 at 2:51 a.m. on Facebook.
A smart man once wrote that "sometimes you reach the end and you can’t just go back and start loving the little things."
It's the little things, stupid, that make life so meaningful. A nice pure snow. A cold chill running down your spine. Christmas lights at night. Long walks with no destination in mind. Eating 3-hour lunches just to hang with your friends.
And it's the little details, the quirks, the idiosyncrasies that make you fall in love. The way that one person looked at you. Held your hand. Made you laugh.
The way she could tell what you were thinking before even you could. The way everything just seemed so perfect. How she managed to say whatever you needed to hear.
You can't count on anything forever. It's a sad thought, but it's true. So you've got to learn to love the journey as much as the destination, because sometimes you can never go back and relive the journey and some times you won't make it to your destination.
It's the little things, stupid, that make life worth living. The sunrise. Singing in the rain. Leaves changing color. Making a stranger laugh.
That's all life is really: a collection of little split-second memories and opportunities that all add up to an hour.
A day. A week. A year. A life.
Every one of those boil down to a second. And in every second there is a chance to love the little things all around you.
It's like a wise man once said: Sometimes you reach the end and you can't just go back and start loving the little things.
So don't wait until it's too late to enjoy the little things. Because before you're ready, it may all be gone. It's a sad thought, but it's true.
It's the little things, stupid.
A smart man once wrote that "sometimes you reach the end and you can’t just go back and start loving the little things."
It's the little things, stupid, that make life so meaningful. A nice pure snow. A cold chill running down your spine. Christmas lights at night. Long walks with no destination in mind. Eating 3-hour lunches just to hang with your friends.
And it's the little details, the quirks, the idiosyncrasies that make you fall in love. The way that one person looked at you. Held your hand. Made you laugh.
The way she could tell what you were thinking before even you could. The way everything just seemed so perfect. How she managed to say whatever you needed to hear.
You can't count on anything forever. It's a sad thought, but it's true. So you've got to learn to love the journey as much as the destination, because sometimes you can never go back and relive the journey and some times you won't make it to your destination.
It's the little things, stupid, that make life worth living. The sunrise. Singing in the rain. Leaves changing color. Making a stranger laugh.
That's all life is really: a collection of little split-second memories and opportunities that all add up to an hour.
A day. A week. A year. A life.
Every one of those boil down to a second. And in every second there is a chance to love the little things all around you.
It's like a wise man once said: Sometimes you reach the end and you can't just go back and start loving the little things.
So don't wait until it's too late to enjoy the little things. Because before you're ready, it may all be gone. It's a sad thought, but it's true.
It's the little things, stupid.
Happiness is a Warm Gun
This was originally written on December 1, 2008 at 12:43 a.m. on Facebook.
I was talking to a friend earlier and we began talking about life and happiness.
We're both going through hard times right now, and sometimes it makes you wonder if you'll ever know true happiness again.
Not I just found 5 dollars in my jeans happy, but the kind of joy where everything feels right all the time. It's like the world is in perfect harmony.
And then the next second, you can't tell which way is up. It's like you have to stop and tell yourself to breathe, or else you might suffocate.
The thought of never being able to attain that perfect happiness is the scariest thought in the world. It fills your mind until it's the only thing you can think about. You can't do anything without thinking about what you're missing.
And all the while you just want that one person who made you happy. The one person who could put a smile on your face no matter what.
And all you want is that feeling of perfect happiness. It's a high no drugs can recreate. It's like you're flying over the world. Complete invincibility and vulnerability.
That's love, happiness, or whatever you want to call it.
And when it's taken away from you, it's like you're living life in slow motion. And it makes you wonder if you can ever be truly happy again, or if you'll just have to settle for finding 5 dollars in your pocket.
I was talking to a friend earlier and we began talking about life and happiness.
We're both going through hard times right now, and sometimes it makes you wonder if you'll ever know true happiness again.
Not I just found 5 dollars in my jeans happy, but the kind of joy where everything feels right all the time. It's like the world is in perfect harmony.
And then the next second, you can't tell which way is up. It's like you have to stop and tell yourself to breathe, or else you might suffocate.
The thought of never being able to attain that perfect happiness is the scariest thought in the world. It fills your mind until it's the only thing you can think about. You can't do anything without thinking about what you're missing.
And all the while you just want that one person who made you happy. The one person who could put a smile on your face no matter what.
And all you want is that feeling of perfect happiness. It's a high no drugs can recreate. It's like you're flying over the world. Complete invincibility and vulnerability.
That's love, happiness, or whatever you want to call it.
And when it's taken away from you, it's like you're living life in slow motion. And it makes you wonder if you can ever be truly happy again, or if you'll just have to settle for finding 5 dollars in your pocket.
Foundations
This was originally written on November 26, 2008 at 4:12 a.m. on Facebook.
When you base your life - your existence - on one thing it becomes the pillar of everything you do. That one thing defines you and what you stand for.
The only way I know how to describe it involves a house...
...and like any house, it's built on a foundation. This foundation holds everything up. The walls, the furniture, the floors, the roof. Everything is built on that foundation - that belief - whatever it may be.
And you can handle rebuilding a wall, or retiling the floors because it's just one small feature of the house, which is otherwise strong and sturdy. So repainting the bathroom is alright, so long as the foundation is strong.
But when the foundation breaks down, what happens to the rest of the house?
When the one thing you hold more sincerely and concretely than anything else in your life fails, you have to re-evaluate everything else. When the one thing you've been depending on while you've been putting in a new stove cracks, the solidity of everything built on it must be questioned as well. No matter how nice the house may look on the outside, if the foundation is ruined that house will eventually crumble.
So everything that was ever based on this Truth has to be questioned. You are standing in the house and now it seems like it could fall over at any moment, maybe from the smallest push in any direction. It's a scary thought: that the one thing you held as a Truth in your life is gone, everything else based on it seems less legitimate.
You look down and you see nothing to hold up the rest of the house and the rest of what you've built, and so you know that at any given moment everything else around you can fall apart too. And it shatters your world to know that foundation has ruined everything, but there's nothing you can do.
Everything around you seems like a lie too.
So whether or not you like it, you have to re-examine and question every detail of the house to find out what else is true and what else is just going to break.
It's not until you break down the house piece by piece that you can start to rebuild it once again, except this time on a new, stronger foundation.
Starting to rebuild is a scary process, and it can seem intimidating. But it's also a fresh start. A new beginning. A new house.
When you base your life - your existence - on one thing it becomes the pillar of everything you do. That one thing defines you and what you stand for.
The only way I know how to describe it involves a house...
...and like any house, it's built on a foundation. This foundation holds everything up. The walls, the furniture, the floors, the roof. Everything is built on that foundation - that belief - whatever it may be.
And you can handle rebuilding a wall, or retiling the floors because it's just one small feature of the house, which is otherwise strong and sturdy. So repainting the bathroom is alright, so long as the foundation is strong.
But when the foundation breaks down, what happens to the rest of the house?
When the one thing you hold more sincerely and concretely than anything else in your life fails, you have to re-evaluate everything else. When the one thing you've been depending on while you've been putting in a new stove cracks, the solidity of everything built on it must be questioned as well. No matter how nice the house may look on the outside, if the foundation is ruined that house will eventually crumble.
So everything that was ever based on this Truth has to be questioned. You are standing in the house and now it seems like it could fall over at any moment, maybe from the smallest push in any direction. It's a scary thought: that the one thing you held as a Truth in your life is gone, everything else based on it seems less legitimate.
You look down and you see nothing to hold up the rest of the house and the rest of what you've built, and so you know that at any given moment everything else around you can fall apart too. And it shatters your world to know that foundation has ruined everything, but there's nothing you can do.
Everything around you seems like a lie too.
So whether or not you like it, you have to re-examine and question every detail of the house to find out what else is true and what else is just going to break.
It's not until you break down the house piece by piece that you can start to rebuild it once again, except this time on a new, stronger foundation.
Starting to rebuild is a scary process, and it can seem intimidating. But it's also a fresh start. A new beginning. A new house.
Memories
This was originally written on November 22, 2008 at 7:24pm on Facebook.
It’s funny how fast things can change.
Last week I bought her gifts for her 20th Birthday. She grew up a huge IU basketball fan, so I took her to the opening game of the regular season. I’ll never forget it. I spent the next week thinking of what I should get her for X-Mas and our 2-year anniversary, which is just like 6 weeks away on January 1st. We always said we were going to get married on a beach somewhere on Jan. 1.
I think the best 100 memories of my life all involve her. I remember when we first met at Seth’s house. How we tried to keep it a secret. We would sneak out to our cars and pretend like nothing was happening. At school we acted like the other didn’t exist.
I remember getting up early and watching the sun come up at G-town park our senior year of high school. We would sit there in one of our crappy Toyotas, just talking before we drove to school. We’d do this at night too and would always get kicked out by the cops.
One night we went to the park by her house and sat there listening to music. We found a half-empty wine bottle in the back seat and just sat there talking, listening and drinking. She understood me like no one I’ve ever met. From the first time we started talking, she just got me. We just seemed to click. We were perfect then.
The first valentine’s day we ever spent together we skipped school so I could take her ice skating. On the way there I was driving on I-64 when I ran over a pipe in the middle of the road that took out two of my tires. We never made it to the rink. We spent our first Valentine’s Day in my mom’s PT Cruiser waiting for AAA to come and tow the car away. But she didn’t care. She never cared about that kind of stuff. She always made me feel like everything was perfect. This is the same year she made me a heart-shaped cake.
I remember the day I told her I was going to IU. She was so excited. I told her I would be going there regardless of whether she was or not. I never told her this, but that was a lie. I probably would have ended up at Missouri or Texas instead. I chose to go to IU because of her. At the time I couldn’t imagine not being with her. I knew that I would hate any place that wasn’t where she is.
She is my best friend. I can tell her everything and she gets me like no one else. I will never love someone else like I love her. No one. And I don’t want to be with anyone but her.
That’s why this hurts so much. I can handle losing my girlfriend, but I can’t handle losing my best friend.
I never thought I could love like this. I never thought something like this was possible. Now it feels like my heart is gone. I can’t do anything without thinking of her and what we had.
I know her better than I know myself sometimes. Last summer she bought me Dylan tickets as a surprise for my birthday. But I called what she got me weeks before the concert. I can tell when she’s mad, sad or upset. I can tell when what she wants and what she says are two completely different things.
I remember playing the SIMS at my house, sitting in my basement until 4 a.m. We made a future family of us. We had a house and three kids: Dylan, Isabelle, and Izekuel. We would sit there for hours playing that stupid game, making sure we got promotions and taught the dumb dog skills.
I remember the good and the bad. The happy times and the fights. But no matter what she was there for me. She’s been the strongest thing in my life for almost two years, and now I feel like I’m in a freefall.
I remember going to her house every day after school senior year. We’d cherish the time until her mom came home from work. We’d sit in her small room, listening to music or playing guitar.
I remember the 4 a.m. grilled cheese sandwiches. And when we bought stuff for our apartment. We were so excited to live together.
I’ve loved her more than I thought was ever possible. I know a lot of people say that, but I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. Now I feel incomplete, and it seems like I may never be able to be happy again.
We always said that no one was perfect, but two people can be perfect for each other. I thought that was us, but now I don’t know.
Things may never be the same again, and that’s what scares me the most.
It’s funny how fast things can change.
Last week I bought her gifts for her 20th Birthday. She grew up a huge IU basketball fan, so I took her to the opening game of the regular season. I’ll never forget it. I spent the next week thinking of what I should get her for X-Mas and our 2-year anniversary, which is just like 6 weeks away on January 1st. We always said we were going to get married on a beach somewhere on Jan. 1.
I think the best 100 memories of my life all involve her. I remember when we first met at Seth’s house. How we tried to keep it a secret. We would sneak out to our cars and pretend like nothing was happening. At school we acted like the other didn’t exist.
I remember getting up early and watching the sun come up at G-town park our senior year of high school. We would sit there in one of our crappy Toyotas, just talking before we drove to school. We’d do this at night too and would always get kicked out by the cops.
One night we went to the park by her house and sat there listening to music. We found a half-empty wine bottle in the back seat and just sat there talking, listening and drinking. She understood me like no one I’ve ever met. From the first time we started talking, she just got me. We just seemed to click. We were perfect then.
The first valentine’s day we ever spent together we skipped school so I could take her ice skating. On the way there I was driving on I-64 when I ran over a pipe in the middle of the road that took out two of my tires. We never made it to the rink. We spent our first Valentine’s Day in my mom’s PT Cruiser waiting for AAA to come and tow the car away. But she didn’t care. She never cared about that kind of stuff. She always made me feel like everything was perfect. This is the same year she made me a heart-shaped cake.
I remember the day I told her I was going to IU. She was so excited. I told her I would be going there regardless of whether she was or not. I never told her this, but that was a lie. I probably would have ended up at Missouri or Texas instead. I chose to go to IU because of her. At the time I couldn’t imagine not being with her. I knew that I would hate any place that wasn’t where she is.
She is my best friend. I can tell her everything and she gets me like no one else. I will never love someone else like I love her. No one. And I don’t want to be with anyone but her.
That’s why this hurts so much. I can handle losing my girlfriend, but I can’t handle losing my best friend.
I never thought I could love like this. I never thought something like this was possible. Now it feels like my heart is gone. I can’t do anything without thinking of her and what we had.
I know her better than I know myself sometimes. Last summer she bought me Dylan tickets as a surprise for my birthday. But I called what she got me weeks before the concert. I can tell when she’s mad, sad or upset. I can tell when what she wants and what she says are two completely different things.
I remember playing the SIMS at my house, sitting in my basement until 4 a.m. We made a future family of us. We had a house and three kids: Dylan, Isabelle, and Izekuel. We would sit there for hours playing that stupid game, making sure we got promotions and taught the dumb dog skills.
I remember the good and the bad. The happy times and the fights. But no matter what she was there for me. She’s been the strongest thing in my life for almost two years, and now I feel like I’m in a freefall.
I remember going to her house every day after school senior year. We’d cherish the time until her mom came home from work. We’d sit in her small room, listening to music or playing guitar.
I remember the 4 a.m. grilled cheese sandwiches. And when we bought stuff for our apartment. We were so excited to live together.
I’ve loved her more than I thought was ever possible. I know a lot of people say that, but I really thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her. Now I feel incomplete, and it seems like I may never be able to be happy again.
We always said that no one was perfect, but two people can be perfect for each other. I thought that was us, but now I don’t know.
Things may never be the same again, and that’s what scares me the most.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Hard to do
Thank God I'm finally out of southern Indiana. Just in time, I say. Just in time.
I'm excited to start this summer - a new chapter in my life.
When I find myself getting depressed, lonely or bored the best thing I can do is something I've never done before. New place. New people. New everything.
This week is a new chapter in my life. One that takes me to Columbia, Missouri and then to Indianapolis and finally back to Bloomington.
It's been a long time since I truly dedicated myself to school. I'm looking forward to putting all of my energy into becoming the best copy editor and intern I can. I've been afforded a great opportunity and many doors for my career have been opened.
Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time just makes them easier to live with. Time makes you accept them as part of you life. But it doesn't heal them.
Sometimes, when you least expect it they come back, fresh as ever. And this time they hurt in different ways. The pain is different.
It's less raw, more realization. Less anger, more perspective. Less visceral, more emotional.
Save some face. You know you've only got one.
I want my best friend back. I don't think that's too much to ask.
I want to feel whole again. I want to feel like myself. I want to wake up and not feel something missing from my life.
Zen Buddhists train themselves to only live in the moment. To release the past and put aside the future. Easy to say; Hard to do.
"Only love can break your heart." -Neil Young
For now I guess I will try to do as the Buddhists. Try to live and let go. Try and be in the present. Easy to say; Hard to do.
The words aren't coming easy tonight. They say that when you're having trouble saying what you mean it's because you don't know what you mean. That sounds about right.
I've got so much to say that I can't say anything. That's it for now, I guess. I'll try to have something more coherent tomorrow.
"Let me die on this Earth before I die underground." -RAZ
I'm excited to start this summer - a new chapter in my life.
When I find myself getting depressed, lonely or bored the best thing I can do is something I've never done before. New place. New people. New everything.
This week is a new chapter in my life. One that takes me to Columbia, Missouri and then to Indianapolis and finally back to Bloomington.
It's been a long time since I truly dedicated myself to school. I'm looking forward to putting all of my energy into becoming the best copy editor and intern I can. I've been afforded a great opportunity and many doors for my career have been opened.
Time doesn't heal all wounds. Time just makes them easier to live with. Time makes you accept them as part of you life. But it doesn't heal them.
Sometimes, when you least expect it they come back, fresh as ever. And this time they hurt in different ways. The pain is different.
It's less raw, more realization. Less anger, more perspective. Less visceral, more emotional.
Save some face. You know you've only got one.
I want my best friend back. I don't think that's too much to ask.
I want to feel whole again. I want to feel like myself. I want to wake up and not feel something missing from my life.
Zen Buddhists train themselves to only live in the moment. To release the past and put aside the future. Easy to say; Hard to do.
"Only love can break your heart." -Neil Young
For now I guess I will try to do as the Buddhists. Try to live and let go. Try and be in the present. Easy to say; Hard to do.
The words aren't coming easy tonight. They say that when you're having trouble saying what you mean it's because you don't know what you mean. That sounds about right.
I've got so much to say that I can't say anything. That's it for now, I guess. I'll try to have something more coherent tomorrow.
"Let me die on this Earth before I die underground." -RAZ
Friday, May 8, 2009
Still stuck in Nothingtown
This is my last night in Bloomington until August.
For some reason this goodbye seems different than last year. I can't really explain why.
Maybe it's because this time I'm comprehending how short my years at IU will be.
Maybe it's because I actually had to say goodbye to some really good people I know, some of whom I may never see again.
Maybe it's because this time I'm returning to a home I don't like. To a town I just want to get out of. To memories I don't want to relive.
Maybe it's because last year I only say adios to a city rather than to people.
Maybe it's because the last time I went home I hid from my problems with alcohol and I'm afraid I'll do that again.
More than anything, it's probably because this is the first summer I will have by myself in three years.
Tomorrow morning my dad will be here to pack up and leave. Fortunately, there are just enough people I want to see and enough work to do to fill up two weeks before I head to Missouri and finally Indianapolis.
Still, I don't want to go back. So much of home reminds me of her. Everything. My house. My room. My bed. My shower. The park by my house. Every restaurant in town. My car. My CDs. My kitchen. My yard. Every friend is mutual. I hate having to split time with people I used to be able to see whenever I wanted.
The last time I went home I would randomly find a shirt or book of hers in my room. I can't even count all the hours we wasted in that basement, just the two of us. I could tell you stories for hours.
And now we barely speak. I've seen her in person twice since December. Going home is like a different universe I used to occupy with someone else. And now she's gone, but I'm still stuck in that world.
The worst part is feeling that she no longer cares. That what we had is replaceable. That in the end what we had will go down in a laundry list of relationships.
I can deal with a break-up. They happen. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. But it seems like us not being in each others' lives doesn't even bother her. She's OK with our relationship deteriorating into nothing. With forgetting everything we ever had.
I wish the her two years ago could meet the her now and be as surprised as I am at how much she's changed. She's not the person I fell in love with as far as I can tell.
It would be nice to know that I didn't waste two years of my life on something that meant nothing. The person I once loved is a stranger to me now. Sometimes I wonder if it all meant as much to her as I always thought it did.
Maybe that's why I hate goodbyes so much. It's the acknowledgment that two people's paths may never cross again. That, at least for the short term, they are no longer in your life.
Do you know what it's like when every step you take reminds you of the one thing you don't want to think about? That there's no place in this town you can go where you didn't go with her? When every second is a constant reminder of better, happier times?
I do, and it's scary.
So no — this isn't goodbye. That's too final.
I'll see you later, friend.
For some reason this goodbye seems different than last year. I can't really explain why.
Maybe it's because this time I'm comprehending how short my years at IU will be.
Maybe it's because I actually had to say goodbye to some really good people I know, some of whom I may never see again.
Maybe it's because this time I'm returning to a home I don't like. To a town I just want to get out of. To memories I don't want to relive.
Maybe it's because last year I only say adios to a city rather than to people.
Maybe it's because the last time I went home I hid from my problems with alcohol and I'm afraid I'll do that again.
More than anything, it's probably because this is the first summer I will have by myself in three years.
Tomorrow morning my dad will be here to pack up and leave. Fortunately, there are just enough people I want to see and enough work to do to fill up two weeks before I head to Missouri and finally Indianapolis.
Still, I don't want to go back. So much of home reminds me of her. Everything. My house. My room. My bed. My shower. The park by my house. Every restaurant in town. My car. My CDs. My kitchen. My yard. Every friend is mutual. I hate having to split time with people I used to be able to see whenever I wanted.
The last time I went home I would randomly find a shirt or book of hers in my room. I can't even count all the hours we wasted in that basement, just the two of us. I could tell you stories for hours.
And now we barely speak. I've seen her in person twice since December. Going home is like a different universe I used to occupy with someone else. And now she's gone, but I'm still stuck in that world.
The worst part is feeling that she no longer cares. That what we had is replaceable. That in the end what we had will go down in a laundry list of relationships.
I can deal with a break-up. They happen. Not every relationship is meant to last forever. But it seems like us not being in each others' lives doesn't even bother her. She's OK with our relationship deteriorating into nothing. With forgetting everything we ever had.
I wish the her two years ago could meet the her now and be as surprised as I am at how much she's changed. She's not the person I fell in love with as far as I can tell.
It would be nice to know that I didn't waste two years of my life on something that meant nothing. The person I once loved is a stranger to me now. Sometimes I wonder if it all meant as much to her as I always thought it did.
Maybe that's why I hate goodbyes so much. It's the acknowledgment that two people's paths may never cross again. That, at least for the short term, they are no longer in your life.
Do you know what it's like when every step you take reminds you of the one thing you don't want to think about? That there's no place in this town you can go where you didn't go with her? When every second is a constant reminder of better, happier times?
I do, and it's scary.
So no — this isn't goodbye. That's too final.
I'll see you later, friend.
Friday, May 1, 2009
I hope you dance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking.
Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making.
If there's one thing I've learned recently, it's that life doesn't care about your plans. It doesn't care about your hopes or dreams.
This world has a path for you, and it won't always be the path you want to go down. But rest assured it's a path you've never been before.
This is a crazy world we live in. Sometimes I feel like I'm being tugged in two different directions. Not externally, but internally. Different forces inside me compete for control. There's a civil war in my heart, and it's unclear which side will win.
On the outside, different forces pull me in every direction. With all these pressing winds, sometimes it's just easiest to stand still.
There's a certain serenity in standing firm in a sea of crashing waves. It's comforting to know where you'll be and not give yourself in to the forces you can't control.
But soon enough the feeling fades and all you're left with the same thing day after day.
And the feeling that once was comforting is now dull and boring. You're no longer satisfied with just knowing you'll be safe. What was once your form of protection no longer fulfills you.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to just let go. While these two little words are so simple, they can often be the ones that consume us.
It's easier to stand firm and dig your toes into the sand than to give yourself up to nature's will. It's easier to hold onto what you feel than to have the courage to let things go. Forgiveness and acceptance are what most of us struggle with every day, especially during those times that try our spirit the most.
But sometimes you just have to let go.
Sometimes what you thought was the best solution is only delaying what you must inevitably do to truly live. You realize you're going nowhere while the sun continuously gets closer to the horizon. Every second you dig your does in deeper is a second lost at sea.
And while it's never the easiest choice, there comes a time when we all must let go.
Of our past. Of our present. Of our future.
Of our pain. Of our anger. Of our sadness.
Sometimes you just have to let yourself go, too, just to find out where the world will take you next.
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking.
Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making.
I hope you dance.
Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making.
If there's one thing I've learned recently, it's that life doesn't care about your plans. It doesn't care about your hopes or dreams.
This world has a path for you, and it won't always be the path you want to go down. But rest assured it's a path you've never been before.
This is a crazy world we live in. Sometimes I feel like I'm being tugged in two different directions. Not externally, but internally. Different forces inside me compete for control. There's a civil war in my heart, and it's unclear which side will win.
On the outside, different forces pull me in every direction. With all these pressing winds, sometimes it's just easiest to stand still.
There's a certain serenity in standing firm in a sea of crashing waves. It's comforting to know where you'll be and not give yourself in to the forces you can't control.
But soon enough the feeling fades and all you're left with the same thing day after day.
And the feeling that once was comforting is now dull and boring. You're no longer satisfied with just knowing you'll be safe. What was once your form of protection no longer fulfills you.
Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to just let go. While these two little words are so simple, they can often be the ones that consume us.
It's easier to stand firm and dig your toes into the sand than to give yourself up to nature's will. It's easier to hold onto what you feel than to have the courage to let things go. Forgiveness and acceptance are what most of us struggle with every day, especially during those times that try our spirit the most.
But sometimes you just have to let go.
Sometimes what you thought was the best solution is only delaying what you must inevitably do to truly live. You realize you're going nowhere while the sun continuously gets closer to the horizon. Every second you dig your does in deeper is a second lost at sea.
And while it's never the easiest choice, there comes a time when we all must let go.
Of our past. Of our present. Of our future.
Of our pain. Of our anger. Of our sadness.
Sometimes you just have to let yourself go, too, just to find out where the world will take you next.
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking.
Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making.
I hope you dance.
Monday, April 27, 2009
I love you
It's true.
I know I don't say it enough, but I do.
And just in case I don't live long enough to see the sun set tomorrow, just know that I love you.
I know I should say it to your face more often, and for that I'm sorry.
But just know that I've got our back. If you ever need anything I'm here for you.
I know I should say that to your face more often, but I'm saying it now.
And if I die in my sleep tonight, let this post remain for all of eternity.
Because I love you.
It's true.
I know I don't say it enough, but I do.
And just in case I don't live long enough to see the sun set tomorrow, just know that I love you.
I know I don't say it enough, but I do.
And just in case I don't live long enough to see the sun set tomorrow, just know that I love you.
I know I should say it to your face more often, and for that I'm sorry.
But just know that I've got our back. If you ever need anything I'm here for you.
I know I should say that to your face more often, but I'm saying it now.
And if I die in my sleep tonight, let this post remain for all of eternity.
Because I love you.
It's true.
I know I don't say it enough, but I do.
And just in case I don't live long enough to see the sun set tomorrow, just know that I love you.
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