Tuesday, March 24, 2009

It was just time

If there's one thing I can count on in life, it's that I will always be surprised.

Yesterday I did the one thing I haven't done in almost three months. The last time I talked to her it was 2008.

I can't explain what changed in one day that made me do it. And honestly, I probably never will. The best I can come up with was that it was just time.

I never had a grand plan about how all of this would go down. Even when I called her I didn't know what to say. I've never had an idea how it would all play out. Sometimes I think people have this notion that I'm orchestrating some well-thought out scheme about this whole situation. They're fucking crazy.

I just take one day at a time. One step at a time. That's all I know to do.

For some reason there was something about Sunday night that just seemed right. I can't explain what it was. It was just time.

I've learned not to look at decisions I make as good or bad, simply decisions. It's impossible to have anything happen to you that is completely good or completely bad. Everything has pieces of both in it. The question is really just which side you concentrate on.

You just have to do what seems right in the moment. Later, after you've had the benefit of time, hindsight might prove you right or wrong. But regardless, at least you can go to bed each night knowing that you weren't afraid to do what you felt in your heart.

That's what I did. I took a risk. Calling her was one of the hardest things I've done in a long time. After so long without so much as a text, the easy option was just to keep ignoring her and pretending like she didn't exist. Not calling was the easy option.

Facing my past, not running from my demons, taking a risk that could have blown up in my face - that was the hard thing. I would be lying if I said seeing her again was easy. It brought back a lot of memories and emotions I didn't really want to relive. Still, I'm glad I went.

The road of forgiveness and friendship is long. But like any journey, it depends upon thousands of small steps. Here's to making the steps, even the difficult ones.

No comments:

Post a Comment