On the road again

Road trips are good for the soul.

There's nothing like setting out with a good friend, an atlas and a world of ambition and possibilities.

There's something about driving for four hours with no music that just gives you time to yourself. With your phone off and the wind blowing your hair you all you can do is let your mind wander. It's like you're in your own little world.

Driving gives you time to think about things in a different way. This week I've been thinking about her and where I am in my life right now.

I can honestly say I'm happy, but it's bittersweet. I've changed so much as a person - mostly for the better - that she probably wouldn't recognize me today. It's scary to think about how much my life has changed in so short of a time.

It's safe to say that probably the 10 people I hung out with the most last semester I almost never see. This makes me wonder if I was ever really friends with any of them beyond just a superficial level. Now my best friends are people I barely knew a few months ago.

When I hit the road I think about these kinds of things. When I can't sleep I think about these kinds of things. When I smoke my last and first cigarette of the day I think about these kinds of things.

And I get scared.

I'm not sure why, but I do. I fear that everything in my life is a lie. I used to think I had everything I could ever want. Now I fear that having everything is impossible. I fear that maybe this is just a dream we persuade ourselves into believing so we can sleep better each night.

Maybe that's why I don't sleep. Rather I spend hours every day thinking about things that are out of my hands. And I ask questions that don't have any answers.

But on the road things just feel different. I feel like my soul is liberated. That nothing is holding me back. That nothing can stop me.

And when my mind wanders to these larger-than-life questions I seem more willing to shrug them off, because I don't know what lies ahead on the road.

This probably doesn't make any sense to anyone else but me. I'm not even sure if I understand what I'm trying to get at. All I know is that while I may not have the answers, at least I'm asking the questions.

And that's a start.