Monday, March 2, 2009


Today I got on Facebook for the first time this year. Ironically, the one thing I went there for was deleted when I deactivated my account in December. Just my luck. And of course I was sucked into the Facebook vacuum and started looking at things and people I shouldn't.

So I deactivated it again.

I remember why I got off of it in the first place. Maybe it's not the best way to deal with things, but much of the last few months I've spent trying to remove myself from certain people and things from my past. It's worked pretty well. I've been successful in pretending they don't exist for the most part.

But this comes at a cost, and I'm starting to realize what exactly I'm giving up.

I don't know if this is the best way to deal with my problems. But it's the best I know. I've made many decisions - both good and bad - through all of this. I can't say they were all the right ones, but I always did what felt right in the moment. It's easy to second-guess that decision afterward, but I sleep well knowing I did what felt right at the time.

Right now moving on like they don't exist feels right. But I'm starting to realize that it won't always. I can't ignore my past and the people from it. Everything in my life has gotten me to where I am right now. And if I like the person I am and the place I'm at, how can I hate what got me here?

I ask this question to myself a lot, usually with different answers. Regardless, I know that eventually I'll want to make amends with some of the demons from my past. That day isn't here yet. Right now I'm still doing what feels right in the moment.

But I'm realizing that this day will arrive, and I'm wondering if I'll be able to handle it when it does.

I can't - and won't - be the type of person who hides from his past, no matter how dark and painful it may be. To make myself completely whole again there are still many things - and people - I have to come to grips with. Before I can say that this is behind me, I must face these things that I've so far tried to pretend don't exist.

I can't say I'm over this whole situation until I can face all these demons that have so far haunted me. I'm not there yet, but every day I take one step closer to this point. I can't say if this is a journey that will last days, months or years.

But it's a journey that I continue to make every day, one step at a time.

1 comment:

  1. You have to react to the situation and circumstances as it best fits you. Ironically, I did the same thing when Derrick and I broke up. We dated for two and a half years, saw each other almost every day, talked on the phone if we hadn't see each other, and once we broke up we talked maybe a hand full (and that's being generous) of times in the next year or two.
    Sometimes when you know you had so much invested in someone, yet you knew you had to move on, cutting off all contact is just something you might have to do to know you'll be OK and able to get on with your life. For me, it was the right thing, and we're at a point now where we can talk and be friendly toward one another without it being weird.
    So do what's best for you. I don't think many other people would say ignoring the situation and cutting off contact is the most healthy solution, but it's not a wrong solution either. You know what's best for you.