Friday, April 3, 2009


Sometimes you don't realize how big events in your life have shaped you until months later. What happened has changed me in ways I'm still discovering. The sad part is that you think you're doing okay. You don't really realize how different you are until someone points it out.

Tonight one of my good friends made me realize how different I am in my relationships with people.

For more than four months I've been thinking and expecting the worst from people. I didn't really know I was doing until someone called me out for not having faith in them. At first I didn't know what they were talking about. I was confused.

Then I said something that made it all become clear. They were just asking or me to believe in them and trust them to make the right decisions. That they wouldn't fuck up. I said that people say that a lot, implying that there was no reason to believe them.

And within a few minutes I realized how messed up I've become. I always think the worst of people. In my mind I doubt the things they tell me, and I doubt their sincerity in every syllable.

I didn't realize I was doing this. I mean, I know I've been really pessimistic, but I didn't know to what extent. The sad part is that this is happening with even my best friends. I do this to even the people I've been counting to get me through this. They deserve better. I just wish I could give it to them.

How do you trust people when the one person you trusted a million times more than any other betrayed you in the worst way? When the person you opened yourself up to the most and made yourself completely vulnerable hurts you in the worst way, how can do anything but think the worst in people you know a fraction of the other person?

When you make yourself that vulnerable you just assume they will never hurt you. And when they do, it's tough to believe anything else other people say, no matter how many times they ask you to just have faith in them.

That's not fair for anyone else, but it's really hard for me to trust people and their intentions after everything I've been through. I know this doesn't make it right, but I'm still dealing with the repercussions of what happened.

It's not that I don't have faith in you. It's that I can't. I dont' trust anyone. No one. I just can't. The one person I trusted more than everyone else combined let me down. And that didn't just hurt our relationship, it hurt my relationships with everyone around me. It damaged how I view the world and how I see people. It destroyed my ability to trust people absolutely.

I don't want to be the kind of person who sees the worst in people. I hate that I've been assuming the worst and doubting people's sincerity. This isn't me. I can - and will - change.

How do you trust people when the one person you trusted a million times more than any other betrayed you in the worst way?

I wish I knew the answer to this. But my friends deserve better, and I'm going to do my best to give it to them.

All I ask is for a little patience and understanding. I'm not perfect. I'm far from it. And what happened has changed me in ways I'm sure I'll be discovering for years. But I value our friendship, and I hope you give me the room to fuck up from time to time. I know I will. But I promise to do my best, unfortunately sometimes that isn''t good enough

I value our friendship more than just about any other I have. And I can't take losing another friend right now.

All I ask is for a little patience and understanding.


  1. Ben,

    You are a great guy and a great friend and I know that you aren't talking about me or our friendship here, but you can have all the time that you need and I will have all the patience with you.

    Remember if you lost me as a friend, then that would mean I would lose you too. And I can't afford to lose a friendship like I feel like we have.

    We can talk about this later...I have a few thoughts on the situation, but until then keep your head up!

  2. I feel this post as much as any other.

    It's a hard thing to understand when you're on the receiving end. By that I mean the person not being trusted.

    But we are all products of our pasts. We live and we learn.

    When I was a kid, I burnt my hand on the stove top.

    For a long time, I didn't reach for things on top of the stove.

    That's just how it works.

    To not understand this is to live your life in a way that you will soon find out.

    I hope that makes sense.