Sunday, April 19, 2009

Cream or sugar?

One day I will go for a walk and never come back. Never stop walking. Never turn around.

Just walk until my legs give out. Walk until the road ends. Walk until I've reached somewhere where no one can reach me. Someplace I'm completely alone. Where no one can give me any more bullshit.

I feel like my entire life is a house of cards made of jello. It's no wonder things always seem to fall down around me. I wonder when I will ever get my life back.

Question: can you call the police if you think someone stole your life?

You should. That has to be the worst crime someone can commit. Sad part is I don't know who stole it, or if I just kind of gave it away.

I feel like I'm a passive observer in my life. My life is a movie and I'm not even a main character. I'm only an extra in a sea of nobodies.

Do you ever get the feeling that if you were never born no one would miss you besides the people that brought you into this world? I do sometimes. Occasionally I feel the other way. Occasionally.

It's nights like these that make me think I may never stop smoking. I know people hate to hear that. But I know that if the rest of my life is like this I will never stop. Period.

I want go so somewhere I've never been. Just pack up and leave. Turn off my phone and not say goodbye. Just drive to a city where I can walk the streets and meet people who hate this world as much as I do. Where the slums are packed at night with other lost souls bumming cigarettes and sitting together because they have no one else. There's an odd satisfaction I get from people who seem as confused as I do.

Sometimes I feel like these lost souls are my brethren. My kindred spirits. I feel so unlike everyone I know. I want things they can't understand. I hate things they love. I want more than what others are satisfied with.

I want meaning. I want love. I want enlightenment. I want happiness. I want inspiration. I want Truth. But I can't find any of these things and it kills me. I want something more than just waking up and going through the motions. I can't do this for the rest of my life.

It's like most of the time I'm not actually alive. I'm one of those ghost-white zombies walking down an endless horizon of disappointments and roadblocks.

I don't feel important to anyone. No one really goes out of their way to see me. I feel like a burden to my friends. Like I bring them down.

I'm not going to burden anyone anymore. If people are fine letting friendships slip away, then so am I. Relationships don't survive on the back of one person, they fizzle. No one knows this better than I do.

I don't want any favors. No sympathy. No bullshit. I'm past the point of trying to avoid pain. Now I just seek the truth and a little genuine caring.

The one person I have ever thought truly loved me said she didn't want to see me right now. That it was too difficult. Too painful. Acting as if she was doing me a favor or some self-righteous bullshit like that. Apparently seeing someone twice in almost five months is just asking too much from them.

Sometimes I wonder if it's ever possible to really know someone. I wonder if two people can ever really be in love forever. Or is this just what people convince themselves into believing because the alternative is too painful.

But I guess that after you dedicate almost two years of your life to someone you don't deserve anything at all. Not even a face-to-face conversation. So much for always caring about someone. This is a fucked up world.

There's no real point to this post, in case you haven't figured it out yet. I just want a place to talk about my thoughts since it's just me tonight. The beauty about a blog is that it can never let you down.

"Don't need a friend, 'cuz my friend lonesome's unconditional."

These days my dreams seem more real than when I'm awake. My nights seem more clear than the day. And silence says more than words ever could.

My life is a movie and I'm not even a head writer. I'm an intern fetching coffee for those that tug on the strings, making me dance like a fool. Would you like donuts too? Cream or Sugar? Both? Ok, I can do that.

One day I will go for a walk and never come back. Never stop walking. Never turn around.

And when I do, I wonder who will follow after me and who will watch me walk away. Who will miss me and who won't know my name a month later. Who will notice. Who will care.

One day I will leave town and never look back, like Matt Damon's character in "Good Will Hunting." One day. You'll see. You'll see. I will go somewhere you couldn't find me even if you wanted to. Where you can't neglect me. Where I won't have to put up with all this crap. I'll go somewhere I can start fresh. A new life. Another chance to do things right. Another chance to find happiness and meaning in a world full of nothing.

You'll see.

One day you'll see.

It's nice out tonight. Maybe I'll go for a walk. I don't know where to. I'll find out when I get there.

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